Valentines Fun!

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

Do you ever feel like you are living someone else's life? Like you are going to wake up in the morning and your reality will seem a bit easier than it has in the past?
Last week was a great week... I had a Valentines party at my house with some girl friends and celebrated the day with fun and fellowship. We played MASH and had treats and I even gave a special gift to a couple friends... A grown your own boyfriend! It grows 600% in 72 hours! It started at about three inches and isn't growing as it promised. Oh well. Life goes on. Later in the week I got to catch up with old friends from Lighthouse who are now busy with married life, and now babies and our lives just aren't as entertwined as they used to be so it was really fun to get to see them again. Our talks used to be alot more about boys and other silly things. I have never talked so much about babies in my life! This is definately a different part of our friendships.
This weekend was filled with more fun as I fellowshipped with a new friend who is a bosom friend. I definately see Gods hand in bringer her to P-town. She has been a blessing in my life. :) It was great to spend the weekend with her. Sunday night at prayer God showed up (like usual) and was very much talking to us. It is so exciting each week to come together and see how God is going to move in our lives. It is a joy to see people hungry to hear from the Lord and patiently waiting on Him to speak. God's presence was so thick in the room that I could breathe it in. What a precious gift to be a part of that.
Oh. Last week my sis called me and told me that she is going to pay for me to go with her to England! I am so excited!
Today I found out some perplexing news. My sis is getting divorced. She hasn't told anyone else in the fam and doesn't want me to say anything. uugh! Yet again I am asked to stay silent when I don't agree with something that is happening. Whats worse is that she met someone online from Wales who we are going to see while we are there in March. And they love eachother!?!!? And they both are in other relationships right now?!!?! UUGH! I feel sick inside! I feel like she tricked me! I am so frustrated and don't know what I should do.
I do believe from the moment that she told me that I was going with her that God had something up His sleeve and wants to do something in both our lives during this trip. I am just at a loss. I am excited to see what God is going to do.
At the same time I am praying for the right job to become available. I am applying a several locations to try and get a job in one months time. I am stressing out even though I know God is going to provide! He takes care of the lilies and the birds and He cares so much about me. Why do I get so stressed out?! My stomach is turning. God please help me. Quiet my heart and let me find some kind of understanding which is not my own. Bring me peace and wisdom to know what your will is in these situations. Erase my tension and help me to give this all to you. I am not able to carry any burden on my own strength. Lord have your way. Have YOUR way! Show me YOUR way! I want to be obediant and faithful to what you are calling me to do LORD! Solidify your will in my life. Confirm my next steps as I step out into the scary unknown. Teach me to trust beyond my own understanding. Help me to rest in who you are.

its been awhile

So. I was thinkin I should write something because I haven't for a few months. It has been another busy phase in my life. Busy work. Busy keeping up with my mom. Busy trying to suceed in my education. And busy trying to have some small social life in the midst of all the busyness.
One thing that has not been so busy in my life is the area which is most eternally impactful. I have been so busy that I haven't been in the word and have often missed church. Lame on me!!
Today I was thinking about how I am feeling overwhelmed and am needing direction and having a hard time hearing. I wonder why!?! (sarcasm) I have been so busy that I haven't taken much time to listen lately. Do I even recognize His voice anymore? Is that something I can forget? Ok. I might be getting a bit dramatic. I have been in
prayer a lot during the last few months. I am just feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with the Lord right now. I can't seem to put my finger in it. I will ask the Lord to show me what it is. He says ask!
I can hear His voice and it is often the only thing I want to listen to because life can be so draining and distracting. I just wish I could get rid of the distractions more often in my life. Maybe I need a clean sweep. A time to reprioritise. God help me know what I need please! Lord I am so thankful that you never give up on me. You are my only constant and my saving grace! I am so thankful that you don't just stop giving grace all of a sudden, or only give grace on certain days of the week. Nope. Your perfect grace is new every morning and complete with your perfect everlasting love! Thank you Lord! I just love you so much! I pray that you will strengthen me in my areas of weakness and use me for your glory to impact this world for you. Use me. Mold me. Shape me. Change me. Cleanse me. Sharpen me. Strengthen me. Refine me.

This quarter in college has been harder than the last quarter. I am realizing how important it is to be organized... an area which I truely struggle with. And also realizing how much more I need to study and stay on top of things in my classes. I am depending on alot of grace for the rest of this quarter. God told me last quarter that if I am faithful in my studies He will show himself faithful in equiping me. So... I have been a bit of a slacker this quarter and am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on track with my education.

Other things in the life of me...
my best friend got married and I spent a month with her before her wedding helping her prepare and enjoying her company before she headed out of the country for two years. It was so much fun and just amzing to get to spend time with her and her husband after they were married. He showed me how much he loves her and my heart was at peace knowing he would give her all the love she needs. It is sad to think she will be gone for two years. But I am excited thinking about the possibilities of visiting her all over the world. Australians are fun! She married an Aussie and his family came to Washington and I had the priveledge of hangin out with them in Seattle and also Vancouver. They are just great people! I hope they come back again soon. :)
As for my love life... ha! just kidding... it isn't really in existance right now... I so love the Lord though!! I will just continue lovin Him forver and praying for the man that God has to be my partner in life and ministry. God I hope that you show him to me soon!! But I will try to be patient until that time comes.
I am getting tired and I have school in the morning. I am off to bed.
Until next time...

May your smiles be many and may your life be blessed!!

He is the God of ALL Comfort

2nd Corinthians 1:3-7(NIV)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubGod. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

So these past couple months have been really trying and over the last two days I have felt very overwhelmed with everything that has happen in my family. Dad and mom divored. Dad remarried. Dad's wife now causing division. Dad's wife saying hurtful things and pushing us away from my dad. Dad not willing to talk to or even be in the same room with mom. Mom being an emotional wreck because of the pain she is feeling and because of her bi-polar disorder. Trying to protect mom and shield her from the truth of what dad is doing. Being a support to her and to the rest of the family. I have been overwhelmed to say the least. And tonight I grieved for the family times that will never be had again. I hate divorce! I hate the devil! I hate that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy! I love that God is the Father to the fatherless and cares about every detail of our lives. I love that God knows my pain and weeps with me at the loss of my family unit. I love that God has a plan to prosper and not to harm. I love that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun. I love that God has come to give life to its fullest. I love that nothing seperates us from His love! I love that I am His child! I love that He rejoices in the truth! I love that He loves me!

So today I was feeling overwhelmed with the cares of this world. Now I am overwhelmed with the LOVE of our dear Lord. He is the God of all comfort! He has met me in my time of sorrow and pulled me onto His lap and whispered the sweet songs of His love into my heart. God is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so thankful that He knows my name, and hears my every thought. He is my strength, my song, my comfort, my peace, my joy!

Studious Maximus

So... I am half way through my first semester of college and all I can say is... God is so good! I struggled in high school when the stresses of family life made me physically sick and was worried that school made me sick and that I would have another occurance. Praise the Lord! I am able to go to school and not get really sick. I still get stressed out and that affects my tummy but it is no where near as bad as it was in high school. Another praise... I am doing awesome in my classes. I have high A's right now... I think my total GPA is about 3.95. God is so good! The song He has continually given me is"He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today, He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way, He is able, more than able to do much more than I can ever dream, He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be." That is my mantra. It is not me that is able... it is Christ who is able to do a work in me. I feel that God has continually placed the call of nursing on my heart and it is hard for me to write that I am pursing nursing because I have a fear of failing. God has already proved to me that it is in no way my strength that will get me through the next three or four years. So I am continually praying that God will make me solely dependant upon Him.

Prayer needed

Prayer last night at church
so...there was worship and then prayer for anyone who wanted to be there last night. I went and then was going to leave because I was feeling sick to my stomach. So I got out the front door and then realized that so often the devil makes me feel sick when he is trying to keep me from something that God wants to do in my life. So I go back inside and find a seat. The worship is beautiful and the presence of the LORD is thick and I am soaking in it. Then we start prayer. There are people praying for a man with throat and mouth cancer and then there are people on either side of the church if anyone wanted prayer for anything. I could not get out of my chair even if I wanted to. I didn't realize how much I needed prayer until it was being offered and I couldn't force myself to get up and recieve it. I was overcome with grief. Heavy on my heart. I felt like I was failing. The hardest thing that I was thinking as I sobbed big body racking sobs as the tears streamed down my face was this... I don't know how I can love my dad. I was feeling like I had no idea how to do that. I was feeling bitterness and unforgiveness and just uglyness towards him. And so much pain for the way he has caused pain in all of my family members lives. I sat there and cried and cried and hoped that someone would see... first of all that I needed a kleenex because I was soaking the floor beneath me and sniveling to keep the snot from seeping out of my nose... but secondly... I wanted prayer. God is so good! As soon as a ton of people were done praying for the guy with cancer I hear a voice that says "can I pray for you?" YES!! I say in a barely audible sniveling voice. As this voice prays for me I feel the hands of many all over and every prayer that is said starts breaking away at the heavyness on my heart. The voice prays for strength, for understanding, for me as a pillar in my family, for school, for my health... and then for LOVE for my father. That is when I cry my heart out. My body racks with sobs and God breaks through to my heart that doesn't think I can love. I can't on my own that is for sure. But God can teach me how to love my dad even when it hurts. It was a beautiful night and I am so thankful that Satan didn't get the victory and that I was there so that God could meet my need and cleans my heart. Pease pray for me during this next week. It is major. With school, mom needing my support, and dad getting married in Vegas on Saturday... and then work and other misc stuff too. I need prayer and am not afraid to ask for it! :)

Another Free Gift

Ok... so for the past three months there has been a prayer night at my house and it has been so cool to see how God meets us with something new and totally applicable each week. He is the living God and so active in our lives when we stop and look at who He is and what He is doing. Yeah! So last night was prayer again... and we have been a bit discouraged because with summer and all the people that come has been not so consistant and we changed the day from Monday nights to Sunday nights at 8pm to whenever. So again... last night was prayer... and God met me in a powerful way. He reminded me of the gift of discernment that He has given me and also gave me a new gift. I didn't realize it, but God had to deal with an area of unbelief in my life. So when I was in junior high I went on this retreat with my youth group and there were about fifteen of us that prayed to get the gift of tounges. At that time I was crushed that I didn't recieve it and remember thinking that everyone else had recieved it and why didn't I. Was there something wrong with me? Did I not believe enough to get this gift? Then through the years I read in the bible about the gifts of the church and interpreted a passage to say that not everyone recieves the gift of tounges... come to find out... I was wrong. God wants to give all of us the gift of toungues! And last night I asked God to forgive me for my unbelief and told Him that I am ready for this gift. I believe the truth now... that He wants to give all of His children a special prayer language. So when I surrendered... He freely gave. I spent about fifteen minutes fighting against myself and was so nervous about how I would sound that I wouldn't open my mouth. It is hilarious to me now. Why do we fight against a gift? I stopped fighting and gave into sounding ridiculous... I gave into the toungue that God wanted to give me. My spirit soared and it blessed my soul. I am excited to lift up nations in prayer and know that God is faithful and hears our prayers. He is an awesome God! I am so glad I didn't wait another ten years before finally accepting another gift that He freely gives. If you haven't recieved the gift of tounges. Ask. And you will recieve. Be blessed!

On my knees again and again and again and...

So this weekend my dad told me that he is engaged to be married to a lady that is not my mother... a lady that I do not see how God could want them to be together. I know that God can still do a work in my parents marriage. I am praying that God will break through my dads heart and pull the blinders off his eyes. I pray that each day God will make his relationship with Terry seem lacking in every area and that God will put in his heart a desire to restore his relationship with my mom. I know that God doesn't want divorce so I know that God wants my parents to forgive eachother for all of the past hurts and to grow together in the LORD again. I am praying for a miracle and God is in the business of miracles so I am hopeful and claiming a miracle for my parents. God is able to do more than we can hope or imagine. Thank you LORD for that promise. You are my strength and my song! I will get down on my knees and continue to pray... thank you LORD for not giving up on my family. You want to see both of my parents fully surrendered to your will and I will continue to pray for that. You have a plan to prosper and not to harm, a plan to give a hope and a future... and that includes my parents.
I pray that any walls to block, any wax build up to stop hearing, and any lies from the devil would be lost and not make there way into my dads ears or heart. That he would only be able to hear truth from you LORD! I know that you are ABLE! And you say ask and you will recieve. So I am asking LORD! I am asking for you to do a mighty work in my dad! Please LORD! Do YOUR will have YOUR way in his life! Thank you LORD!

the best place to be

So after a few months I am going to update this thing again.
I am currently preparing to start school in the fall and have lined up my job to decrease hours and figured out my schedule. I just need to hear back from my financial aid application to find out when I can sign up for classes.
My best friend Sonja is home for a couple months and it has blessed my soul to have her close by again. She is a kidred spirit and God has continually used her in my life to sharpen me and likewise.
I have moved to a house downtown P-town with a great friend that I have known most of my life. Cherm. And we live on the top floor of an old 1922 craftman style house while the owners of the house remodel the downstairs. They are not living there yet and I think if things keep going at this pace it might be another year before they actually inhabit the house.
As for me and God...
I am so glad that I finally am back to a place of surrender and focusing on God's best for my life... and His wants and desires for me... not my own wants and desires. I am trusting and seeking God for wisdom continually and want to do His will in my life. Since God has brought me back to seeking His face I am at peace about life and trusting Him even through the hard times in life.
A few months ago my parents divorced each other for the second time. It wasn't hard in the beginning and then as my dad started dating someone and I started praying for my family God revealed His heart for my family. God told me about how Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy... but God has come to heal, give life to the fullest, and to restore! God showed me that He has a plan for my family to prosper them and not to harm them. He also showed me...

Matthew16: 24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul? For I, the Son of Man, will come in the glory of my Father with his angels and will judge all people according to their deeds."

We must die to our flesh and will only find true fulfillment when we live only for Christ.
God has given me a passion to pray for my family and boldness to speak to my dad about the things God has revealed to me.
God has also showed me a new picture of a marriage. A marriage is like a house. A house needs maintinance all the time. You mow the lawn and it has to be mowed again in a couple weeks. You clean out the gutters in the fall... you will still have to clean the gutters out again. It isn't a one time deal. You have to continually work to keep it cleaned and maintained. Also, if you don't clean a bathroom for a month... when you finally get to it, the cleaning process will require much more sweat, and take more time, and it will be so much dirtier. It makes so much more sense to continually focus on the cleaning process of your marriage. I hope and pray that in my marriage (some day... only God knows when) that my husband and I will be able to "clean house" regularly. God is so cool to reveal things to His kids.

So also since we moved downtown P-town we started a Monday night prayer night and now we are moving the date to Sunday night at 8pm. So you are more than welcome to come and bring anyone who wants to pray. It has been amazing to see how God leads our time of prayer each week. He has made each week unique and I can only imagine what is happening in the heavenlies because of the prayers that are being lifted up.
Please continue to pray for me and my family and that God would show me my purpose in my family and that I would walk boldly and humbly in that role. Also please pray for me as I am getting ready to start school and that God would remind me continually that he did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of a sound mind, and self discipline, and self control. I know God will equip me as I start this next adventure in my life.
God is so good!
I will continue to say... the best place to be is in His will and that is where I continually strive to be!

God is SO GOOD!

So it has been about two months since I finally said yes to God and broke up with my first love.
Never have I experienced such heart ache for another person and at the same time... never have I felt such freedom when I was obediant to God's ask of me.
It has been a rollercoaster of sorts getting my single legs under me again and also getting to the core of what God's heart for my life is. I had forgotten so many of the things that bring joy in my life and had felt weighed down without realizing it. God has reminded me of the dreams he has given me and put the joy back in my life that had been taken away from doing things my own way. I am so thankful for the grace that is continually given to me by my Heavenly Father. I do not deserve it one bit but I am eternally grateful!

A Time to Cry

So last Wednesday my grandpa decided that the feeding tube that was keeping him alive was not the way he wanted to live any more. It wasn't even twenty-four hours later that he took his last breath and went home to be with Jesus. This last week has been a whirl wind of tears and fond memories and sharing joys and pain with family and loved ones. It is hard to think of the lake cabin (where all of us grandkids -24 to be exact... and now 15 great grandkids-have so many memories) being sold. And my grandparents house too... I was just talking to one of my aunts yesterday and we talked about how my grandparents homes have been the reason we have all come together for all of our lives. It will be different not having those places to gather. Not driving to Bothell for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July, birthdays, etc. ever again. Its just a sad thought. It is a chapter in my life that is finished. No more grandparents on my dads side of the family. My dad has been real sad and that is what tears me apart. He is hurting and wants to be strong but needs to get out all of those tears that are continually welling up. It has just been a hard week for all of the family. I feel like I am reliving my grandmas death again too. All of the memories are wonderful but just hard to think about right now.
So if you think about it... please pray for my family.

A New Leaf

What the heck does that really mean? When I think of a leaf turning over it reminds me of autumn when the leaves are falling and the trees are loosing all of there foliage and begin to look bare and cold. Or I could be more positive and say it reminds me of Autumn when the leaves are changing colors and it takes your breath away. So I guess what I am getting at is that your "new leaf" is whatever you make of it. I am going to think about this new leaf in my life being breathtaking and not focus on being stripped to the bone. But ya know... I might just need to be stripped to my core and focus on the most important thing... my Rock, my Redeemer, my Savior, my reason for livin, my foundation for life. That is a good place to be in all actuality.

My life as I know it has done a flip. Last night I finally did it... I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been tearing me apart for the last week and I took the weekend in Spokane to really seek God about what His heart for me is. I finally found the peace I have been seeking for so long. Peace that I am not supposed to marry Dan and peace that God has someone else for me and peace that God has other plans for me in my life right now. Wow! I feel better now!

At the same time... I have cried all weekend and now for the past couple days. Breaking the heart of someone you love is not something I ever wanted to do. As I held onto Daniel last night I cried and told him that I hope he will forgive me and that I never wanted to hurt him and that I don't want him to hate me. How do you go from planning your life with someone to being a friend to them? I still care about him and want God's best for him. One of the scariest things about breaking up with him was my fear that he would reject God and blame God for our breakup. I am praying that God will meet Daniel and teach him about his character and how much He loves each one of his children. God is so good and bigger than what I can even comprehend. I know He will meet Daniel. I just pray that Daniel will accept His open arms.
I told Daniel that I will be a friend and want to continue to pray for him. It is going to be a hard transition. Especially since our lives have been so focused on eachother.

I believe that God is going to do good things in both of our lives. I am excited to seek His will for my next step. The prospects are leading me closer to the call I feel on my life. I am applying for a YWAM school Intro to Primary Health Care. It is a three month school and three month outreach to a third world country working along side doctors. That is what I dream about!!! The other is going to college and becoming a nurse so I have more skills to be able to do medical missions. I know God will open the door to whatever His perfect will is.

(sigh) I am so glad to know that God cares about everything in my life. It sure does ease my soul and help me to feel like I am not alone or carrying a burden on my own. He is able... more than able... to accomplish what concerns me today(and tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year). He is so able and an awesome Father!

So

It has been an interesting year. I am so greatful that tax season is over. It has been quite taxing. Ha! That is funny and yet so seriously true at the same time. I don't think I truely ever had a high respect for the wives of accountants until now. They really have to put up with alot. I am only dating one. This season helped me to see how stressful that life is and I don't know if I am cut out for that life "for as long as we both shall live". Oi vey!
Sometimes I feel like it is ok to be selfish. Especially when it has to do with me emotional and physical well being. This season was absolutely draining on me and I know it wasn't just because of tax season. I had the stress of my job, worries about schooling, stress of finding a new place to live, stress of balancing my friends, stress of stress. Yeah... so you could say this season has been stressful. I just don't think I can do that for the rest of my life. I am trying to work out alot of things and praying that God will show me his will and open doors for me.

I am currently thinking I am going to quit my job and emediatly start a medical assistant program which is 6 to 8 weeks long. I have two options for housing at the moment. I can live with my best friend Sonja's brother (and his wife and kids) or I can live with my other best friend Rachael and her husband(also my friend) until they move at the end of July. Since I love to move so much I am hoping that I will move in with the Barrett family. They are soooo much fun!

So I am not thinking I am going to get married this summer and maybe not even ever to Daniel. I do love him so much. However, I don't know if he is going to be the best mate for me. It is hard to come to that realization but I am glad to even recognize what I need in a husband.

gotta go... more to come later

Refueling

So this last weekend I went on a women's retreat and it was a blast. I laughed at silly girly things and got to see friends that I have been missing quality time with. I had the most hilarious time playing a game of teather ball and laughed so hard that we could hardly play the game. We were just a bit out of practice however I managed to whoop my dear friend. I won't mention her name but I will brag about my victory. Yes, I was able to whoop on the third graders back in my primary years when I was in first grade. So I guess you might say that my dear friend was at a disadvantage because she was not aware of my "mad teather ball skills". Its cool. (smile)
So as for the real meat of the weekend. The whole refueling thing was what God spoke to me alot about. Our speaker reminded us that even Jesus took time to refuel and rest and soak in extra time with God. Even when there were pressing issues and people wanting healing and needing to hear the messages He was going to speak... even then. Jesus was surely a good example and I need to remember that refueling and taking time is essential to my sanity and also something that my creator wants me to do. So this last weekend was a a time of being refueled, refreshed, and blessed by the fellowship and encouragement from my sisters in Christ. It was beautiful. Not that I don't have anything going on in my life... I still have many things that are in process. I just am trusting that God is going to open the right doors at the right time (HIS timing) and give me patience and understanding to know what His will is.
So now after that weekend even though I have a bunch of stuff going on it is not overwhelming me. I am surrendering all of my worries and my cares to my savior. He cares about all of the little things that are going on in our lives and wants to be our constant companion and friend. I am so thankful that He hasn't given up on me. I don't know how many times I have tried to take on the world and all of my troubles too. God is so good to remind me that I am not supposed to do it on my own and that He will actually carry me through. I am safe under the shadow of His protective wing. And so thankful for every moment that I am embraced by His presence and able to soak in the wisdom of His still small voice. That is something that I need to continue to remind myself. Take the time to soak in His presence and listen without interupting. Just listen. It will refresh and refuel my soul.

a good cry

Do you ever feel like just crying for a day? I do. I am exhausted with life right now and I think a good cry would make me feel better. My mom actually told me this weekend that she thinks I need to cry. I cried last week and little this weekend and then some more today. Can I just have a big deep cry and get it all over with. Doesn't it feel better once you cry?
My mom now lives in Spokane. I followed her as far to the freeway as I could and waved good bye as she left this side of the state and stared a new chapter in her life. And a new chapter in my life too. I cried with my brother when we talked about mom moving and we got mad at dad for being a jerk and abandoning the situation. He is really good at that... abandoning.
No use playing that record again... it is surely broken.
My job is what is really my current stress. It seems that my job is trying to out me. And not giving me severance. I am emotionally drained right now and some time soon get to have a conversation with someone that makes me cringe just hearing her name. I know she is going to try to stomp on me the moment I open my mouth but I just have to think about David and Galioth. Even though she is a small lady she thinks she is Galioth. Enough about her. God is able to do more than I can hope or imagine. I am praying for a miracle here and for courage beyond what I currently possess. I am tired. I can't wait for it all to be over.
God help me please. I need your strength and courage. Help me to see that you have a plan and that you are not one that abandons. You hold me under the shadow of your wing. Thank you God for the amazing diety that you are. So awesome and yet so personal.

I have issues

So these last two days have been what I would call an emotional roller coaster of sorts. So I talked to Dan on Tuesday night and told him all that God had put on my heart he is like so what do you think that means for us? And so we cried and prayed that God would confirm what he told me by telling Dan. So the next day would be Wednesday and all day long I felt like my heart was actually damaged in some way. I have never experienced heart ache like this before. I know I love Daniel but I didn't know that this would hurt as much as it has. So all day yesterday I was in and out of tears and not talking to anyone about it. At lunch time I called my mom and she surprised me by saying some of the same things that Dan had said the night before. She told me that she thinks I am afraid of stability, have a huge fear of marriage, struggle with being in control, and that she knows God put Dan in my life. She also told me what someone else told me today... who knows when I am actually going to be going to Africa again. God put it on my heart, yes. And if it is after our kids are out of the house Dan wants to go with me too. He doesn’t have "the call" but is willing to let God use his accounting skills wherever he can use them... even in Africa.
So I am fixing my eyes on the right now and going to continue to seek God's will for my life. I know that God did bring Daniel into my life and believe that God would communicate with Daniel too if our relationship is supposed to take a different direction. We prayed for the condo together and asked if it was God's will for us to be married that the condo offer would be accepted. I am realizing more and more about myself that I have issues. I am blessed to have Daniel in my life because even after all that I put him through he still loves me and wants to marry me. I love him too and don't want to spend my life without him. God has placed a call on my life and he has also placed Daniel in my life. I don't have to choose one or the other. I can have both! Daniel supports the call that God has given me and is willing to go to the ends of the earth with me. I am so thankful for Daniel and thankful that God blessed me with him.
Thank you for praying for me.

How & Why

How can doing the right thing hurt so much?
Why does loving someone have to be so hard?
Why can't God tell me more than just a little bit?
How can I know that I am doing what God wants?
Why do I have to choose? Do I have to choose?

"Trust in the LORD will all heart and lean not on your own understanding,
in all of your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your path straight."
Proverbs 3:5&6

God I am trusting that you will meet me where I am...
in the midst of so many questions and not understanding I chose to trust you.

Time After Time

Today is a day that is one of the hardest days of my life.
Last night after being very frustrated with my boyfriend we prayed and forgave eachother and then went to sleep. Well, I could not sleep for three hours. I kept think about the "call" that God has placed on my life and the desires HE has given me. My heart started racing and I knew what was coming. God has a plan. It is a plan that I have been trying to avoid looking at. I am so stubborn I didn't want to open my eyes and acknowledge the fact that I have been lying to myself and even worse my boyfriend. I felt called to missions five years ago and know that it is till going to be a few years before I am able to be on the field but at the same time I haven't been honest to the one I love so dearly. I told Dan that I want to go for a couple weeks to a month in Africa and God has put it on my heart to be there for a couple years at a time and possibly multiple times. This is so hard. I am torn apart because I want to follow my flesh and marry Dan and start a family. But then I say... I want to follow the plan that God has for me and the call that HE has placed on my life. I chose to follow Christ!
God I pray that when I talk to Dan tonight that you will give me all the courage I will need to tell him what is on my heart. And Lord I just ask that you will mend his broken heart and mine too. I am already hurting so much but am willing to be obediant to you. -Amen

Valentine

Today is just another day and yet it is a day that has been capitalized on by the card companies and chocolate makers of the world. It is a day filled with flowers and hearts and at elemantary schools around the world children are giving other children a card and candy to tell them how cool they are. I think that we should have Valentine's Day more often if it is going to encourage others to say nice things to eachother and hearts to be warmed in the process.
Last year on this day I was celebrating my first Valnetines day with a boyfriend. I had never had a holiday(besides the 4th of July) to celebrate with someone special. It is even better this year because I love him with so much of my heart that at times I get all sappy, emotional, and teary eyed just looking into his eyes and thinking about how much I love him. I have always been a hopeless romantic and always wanted someone special in my life. I have found an amazing man and hope that next year at this time he will be my husband.
I am ready to face all of my fears and get on with my life. Ready to commit to someone for the rest of my life. That is scary! Especially growing up in the family that I did. My parents are again getting legally seperated and moving to oposite sides of the state. It will be a whole lot easier than them living in the same house being awful towards eachother.
I have high hopes for my marriage and know that it is going to be alot of work. I am in for the long haul. Willing to go through whatever it takes to make it work. It is going to be fun and wonderful too don't get me wrong. I am excited to get married... I am just being realistic and not sugar coating the next fifty years of my life. I am so glad that God is the center of our relationship. With God in the middle I know that it will be alot easier to get through each day. Besides... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
So no I am still not engaged and yes I do believe that Dan is the man that God has in mind for me to spend my life with.

A New Month

The new month has begun and so has a new season of my life. A season of my parents being seperated.
My parents sold their house so that means my mom is moving to the opposite side of the state. About five hours away. If you would have asked me how I felt about this a year ago I would have said it is a brilliant idea. At this point, I am feeling a bit sad, at a loss really, maybe even grieving that my mom is not so much as a quick drive away but now either a flight or long drive is required to see her. This is also sad to me because she has been so connected to her friends and family on this side of the mountain and I am worried that she will become lonely and even might have a bad "episode" again. I am trusting that God is going to be her strength and pray that He will get her connected to a good community of friends and fellowship.
As for me and what is going on... Dan made an offer on a condo in downtown P-town. This is exciting and scary. Exciting because I can envision us living there together and starting a family. But scary because I still am waiting on the LORD to give me peace about our futures together.
Just last week one of my youth girls told me that she is possibly going to Africa from July to December to do medical missions. That is my desire!!! I am like... I want to go too!!! But I can't do that and be in a relationship with Dan. Is that fair to him? I don't think so. Would he be willing to put our relationship on hold? Is that a question that I am afraid to know the answer too? Yes. Will I have other opportunities in the future to pursue medical missions in Africa? I am trusting God with that one. I feel like I am torn. I don't even know what it would take to get to Africa. But it is definately something that I feel is a call that God has given me. Do I need to feel a call to marriage? Ugh! I don't know. I just want to know what I am supposed to do.
So. We are waiting to hear from the seller if they accepted Dan's offer or not. We are praying for God's will in this move. I am willing to trust God in every area of my life and that includes my future with Dan and the call to medical missions.
Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowlegde HIM and HE will make your path straight."