Thursday, April 27, 2006

A New Leaf

What the heck does that really mean? When I think of a leaf turning over it reminds me of autumn when the leaves are falling and the trees are loosing all of there foliage and begin to look bare and cold. Or I could be more positive and say it reminds me of Autumn when the leaves are changing colors and it takes your breath away. So I guess what I am getting at is that your "new leaf" is whatever you make of it. I am going to think about this new leaf in my life being breathtaking and not focus on being stripped to the bone. But ya know... I might just need to be stripped to my core and focus on the most important thing... my Rock, my Redeemer, my Savior, my reason for livin, my foundation for life. That is a good place to be in all actuality.

My life as I know it has done a flip. Last night I finally did it... I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been tearing me apart for the last week and I took the weekend in Spokane to really seek God about what His heart for me is. I finally found the peace I have been seeking for so long. Peace that I am not supposed to marry Dan and peace that God has someone else for me and peace that God has other plans for me in my life right now. Wow! I feel better now!

At the same time... I have cried all weekend and now for the past couple days. Breaking the heart of someone you love is not something I ever wanted to do. As I held onto Daniel last night I cried and told him that I hope he will forgive me and that I never wanted to hurt him and that I don't want him to hate me. How do you go from planning your life with someone to being a friend to them? I still care about him and want God's best for him. One of the scariest things about breaking up with him was my fear that he would reject God and blame God for our breakup. I am praying that God will meet Daniel and teach him about his character and how much He loves each one of his children. God is so good and bigger than what I can even comprehend. I know He will meet Daniel. I just pray that Daniel will accept His open arms.
I told Daniel that I will be a friend and want to continue to pray for him. It is going to be a hard transition. Especially since our lives have been so focused on eachother.

I believe that God is going to do good things in both of our lives. I am excited to seek His will for my next step. The prospects are leading me closer to the call I feel on my life. I am applying for a YWAM school Intro to Primary Health Care. It is a three month school and three month outreach to a third world country working along side doctors. That is what I dream about!!! The other is going to college and becoming a nurse so I have more skills to be able to do medical missions. I know God will open the door to whatever His perfect will is.

(sigh) I am so glad to know that God cares about everything in my life. It sure does ease my soul and help me to feel like I am not alone or carrying a burden on my own. He is able... more than able... to accomplish what concerns me today(and tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year). He is so able and an awesome Father!

Thursday, April 20, 2006


It has been an interesting year. I am so greatful that tax season is over. It has been quite taxing. Ha! That is funny and yet so seriously true at the same time. I don't think I truely ever had a high respect for the wives of accountants until now. They really have to put up with alot. I am only dating one. This season helped me to see how stressful that life is and I don't know if I am cut out for that life "for as long as we both shall live". Oi vey!
Sometimes I feel like it is ok to be selfish. Especially when it has to do with me emotional and physical well being. This season was absolutely draining on me and I know it wasn't just because of tax season. I had the stress of my job, worries about schooling, stress of finding a new place to live, stress of balancing my friends, stress of stress. Yeah... so you could say this season has been stressful. I just don't think I can do that for the rest of my life. I am trying to work out alot of things and praying that God will show me his will and open doors for me.

I am currently thinking I am going to quit my job and emediatly start a medical assistant program which is 6 to 8 weeks long. I have two options for housing at the moment. I can live with my best friend Sonja's brother (and his wife and kids) or I can live with my other best friend Rachael and her husband(also my friend) until they move at the end of July. Since I love to move so much I am hoping that I will move in with the Barrett family. They are soooo much fun!

So I am not thinking I am going to get married this summer and maybe not even ever to Daniel. I do love him so much. However, I don't know if he is going to be the best mate for me. It is hard to come to that realization but I am glad to even recognize what I need in a husband.

gotta go... more to come later