Thursday, February 23, 2006

I have issues

So these last two days have been what I would call an emotional roller coaster of sorts. So I talked to Dan on Tuesday night and told him all that God had put on my heart he is like so what do you think that means for us? And so we cried and prayed that God would confirm what he told me by telling Dan. So the next day would be Wednesday and all day long I felt like my heart was actually damaged in some way. I have never experienced heart ache like this before. I know I love Daniel but I didn't know that this would hurt as much as it has. So all day yesterday I was in and out of tears and not talking to anyone about it. At lunch time I called my mom and she surprised me by saying some of the same things that Dan had said the night before. She told me that she thinks I am afraid of stability, have a huge fear of marriage, struggle with being in control, and that she knows God put Dan in my life. She also told me what someone else told me today... who knows when I am actually going to be going to Africa again. God put it on my heart, yes. And if it is after our kids are out of the house Dan wants to go with me too. He doesn’t have "the call" but is willing to let God use his accounting skills wherever he can use them... even in Africa.
So I am fixing my eyes on the right now and going to continue to seek God's will for my life. I know that God did bring Daniel into my life and believe that God would communicate with Daniel too if our relationship is supposed to take a different direction. We prayed for the condo together and asked if it was God's will for us to be married that the condo offer would be accepted. I am realizing more and more about myself that I have issues. I am blessed to have Daniel in my life because even after all that I put him through he still loves me and wants to marry me. I love him too and don't want to spend my life without him. God has placed a call on my life and he has also placed Daniel in my life. I don't have to choose one or the other. I can have both! Daniel supports the call that God has given me and is willing to go to the ends of the earth with me. I am so thankful for Daniel and thankful that God blessed me with him.
Thank you for praying for me.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

How & Why

How can doing the right thing hurt so much?
Why does loving someone have to be so hard?
Why can't God tell me more than just a little bit?
How can I know that I am doing what God wants?
Why do I have to choose? Do I have to choose?

"Trust in the LORD will all heart and lean not on your own understanding,
in all of your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will make your path straight."
Proverbs 3:5&6

God I am trusting that you will meet me where I am...
in the midst of so many questions and not understanding I chose to trust you.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Time After Time

Today is a day that is one of the hardest days of my life.
Last night after being very frustrated with my boyfriend we prayed and forgave eachother and then went to sleep. Well, I could not sleep for three hours. I kept think about the "call" that God has placed on my life and the desires HE has given me. My heart started racing and I knew what was coming. God has a plan. It is a plan that I have been trying to avoid looking at. I am so stubborn I didn't want to open my eyes and acknowledge the fact that I have been lying to myself and even worse my boyfriend. I felt called to missions five years ago and know that it is till going to be a few years before I am able to be on the field but at the same time I haven't been honest to the one I love so dearly. I told Dan that I want to go for a couple weeks to a month in Africa and God has put it on my heart to be there for a couple years at a time and possibly multiple times. This is so hard. I am torn apart because I want to follow my flesh and marry Dan and start a family. But then I say... I want to follow the plan that God has for me and the call that HE has placed on my life. I chose to follow Christ!
God I pray that when I talk to Dan tonight that you will give me all the courage I will need to tell him what is on my heart. And Lord I just ask that you will mend his broken heart and mine too. I am already hurting so much but am willing to be obediant to you. -Amen

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Today is just another day and yet it is a day that has been capitalized on by the card companies and chocolate makers of the world. It is a day filled with flowers and hearts and at elemantary schools around the world children are giving other children a card and candy to tell them how cool they are. I think that we should have Valentine's Day more often if it is going to encourage others to say nice things to eachother and hearts to be warmed in the process.
Last year on this day I was celebrating my first Valnetines day with a boyfriend. I had never had a holiday(besides the 4th of July) to celebrate with someone special. It is even better this year because I love him with so much of my heart that at times I get all sappy, emotional, and teary eyed just looking into his eyes and thinking about how much I love him. I have always been a hopeless romantic and always wanted someone special in my life. I have found an amazing man and hope that next year at this time he will be my husband.
I am ready to face all of my fears and get on with my life. Ready to commit to someone for the rest of my life. That is scary! Especially growing up in the family that I did. My parents are again getting legally seperated and moving to oposite sides of the state. It will be a whole lot easier than them living in the same house being awful towards eachother.
I have high hopes for my marriage and know that it is going to be alot of work. I am in for the long haul. Willing to go through whatever it takes to make it work. It is going to be fun and wonderful too don't get me wrong. I am excited to get married... I am just being realistic and not sugar coating the next fifty years of my life. I am so glad that God is the center of our relationship. With God in the middle I know that it will be alot easier to get through each day. Besides... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
So no I am still not engaged and yes I do believe that Dan is the man that God has in mind for me to spend my life with.

Friday, February 03, 2006

A New Month

The new month has begun and so has a new season of my life. A season of my parents being seperated.
My parents sold their house so that means my mom is moving to the opposite side of the state. About five hours away. If you would have asked me how I felt about this a year ago I would have said it is a brilliant idea. At this point, I am feeling a bit sad, at a loss really, maybe even grieving that my mom is not so much as a quick drive away but now either a flight or long drive is required to see her. This is also sad to me because she has been so connected to her friends and family on this side of the mountain and I am worried that she will become lonely and even might have a bad "episode" again. I am trusting that God is going to be her strength and pray that He will get her connected to a good community of friends and fellowship.
As for me and what is going on... Dan made an offer on a condo in downtown P-town. This is exciting and scary. Exciting because I can envision us living there together and starting a family. But scary because I still am waiting on the LORD to give me peace about our futures together.
Just last week one of my youth girls told me that she is possibly going to Africa from July to December to do medical missions. That is my desire!!! I am like... I want to go too!!! But I can't do that and be in a relationship with Dan. Is that fair to him? I don't think so. Would he be willing to put our relationship on hold? Is that a question that I am afraid to know the answer too? Yes. Will I have other opportunities in the future to pursue medical missions in Africa? I am trusting God with that one. I feel like I am torn. I don't even know what it would take to get to Africa. But it is definately something that I feel is a call that God has given me. Do I need to feel a call to marriage? Ugh! I don't know. I just want to know what I am supposed to do.
So. We are waiting to hear from the seller if they accepted Dan's offer or not. We are praying for God's will in this move. I am willing to trust God in every area of my life and that includes my future with Dan and the call to medical missions.
Proverbs 3:5&6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowlegde HIM and HE will make your path straight."