Monday, October 16, 2006

Prayer needed

Prayer last night at church
so...there was worship and then prayer for anyone who wanted to be there last night. I went and then was going to leave because I was feeling sick to my stomach. So I got out the front door and then realized that so often the devil makes me feel sick when he is trying to keep me from something that God wants to do in my life. So I go back inside and find a seat. The worship is beautiful and the presence of the LORD is thick and I am soaking in it. Then we start prayer. There are people praying for a man with throat and mouth cancer and then there are people on either side of the church if anyone wanted prayer for anything. I could not get out of my chair even if I wanted to. I didn't realize how much I needed prayer until it was being offered and I couldn't force myself to get up and recieve it. I was overcome with grief. Heavy on my heart. I felt like I was failing. The hardest thing that I was thinking as I sobbed big body racking sobs as the tears streamed down my face was this... I don't know how I can love my dad. I was feeling like I had no idea how to do that. I was feeling bitterness and unforgiveness and just uglyness towards him. And so much pain for the way he has caused pain in all of my family members lives. I sat there and cried and cried and hoped that someone would see... first of all that I needed a kleenex because I was soaking the floor beneath me and sniveling to keep the snot from seeping out of my nose... but secondly... I wanted prayer. God is so good! As soon as a ton of people were done praying for the guy with cancer I hear a voice that says "can I pray for you?" YES!! I say in a barely audible sniveling voice. As this voice prays for me I feel the hands of many all over and every prayer that is said starts breaking away at the heavyness on my heart. The voice prays for strength, for understanding, for me as a pillar in my family, for school, for my health... and then for LOVE for my father. That is when I cry my heart out. My body racks with sobs and God breaks through to my heart that doesn't think I can love. I can't on my own that is for sure. But God can teach me how to love my dad even when it hurts. It was a beautiful night and I am so thankful that Satan didn't get the victory and that I was there so that God could meet my need and cleans my heart. Pease pray for me during this next week. It is major. With school, mom needing my support, and dad getting married in Vegas on Saturday... and then work and other misc stuff too. I need prayer and am not afraid to ask for it! :)