father where art thou?

Yesterday was Easter... a time of family, a time of celebration, a time to embrace the miracle and huge gift of Christ's death covering every sin of the world and then His glorious resurection. Yesterday was a hard day. I could not sleep most of the night. I lay in my bed thinking and dreaming ~ drifting in and out of uncertain dreams to more thoughts of loss and sobering grief. The hardest part of my day was recieving an email. If you don't know me... my family has been "under attack" for most of my life. So yesterday I went to church with my mom and little brother, then we drove to Federal Way to have lunch with my grandparents. On the way we called my dad to wish him a happy Easter. No answer. We all yelled our happy greatings over the phone and told him we love him on his voicemail. Even now I cry because loving my dad has been one of the hardest things in my life. Loving without expecting any love in return is so hard! And loving when you are continually hurt is hard too! So we went to my aunt's house to say hello to some cousins and I was reminded more of the way satan has tried to destroy my family. My cousins who are 29 and 30 talked about how they never want to get married because of the pain that marriage has caused in their family. Satan is trying to destroy and kill the beauty of marriage. It breaks my heart to hear them talk of such a wonderful gift. Yeah, marriage is hard work and all, but to give up on marriage before you even try... that is just sad! I want to bring truth back to their lives and remind them that all things are possible in Christ. They invited me to Portland for a girls weekend and I pray that God will use me to encourage them in their faith. Even though I am younger than they are, for some reason, they occasionally listen to what I have to say. God please prepare their hearts and mine for the words you want me to say. After getting home from my aunt's house I checked my email... To my joy and pain I found an email from my dad. "Happy Easter," it said, "Hope you have a great day... Dad" That's it. Why did an email from my dad hurt so much? If I had been on another continent or another state, or if he had lost his voice... then maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. But my own dad could not pick up the phone and wish his youngest daughter a happy Easter. I didn't even get an invitation to visit him. Thoughts filled my head... He only has time for his "new" family now. Ouch. The tears still roll... So this morning after deciding that I could not go to school on two hours of sleep I tried to shut my eyes and my mind off again. The dreams did not cease. I got up and took a shower to wash the pain away. When I finished getting myself ready I went into the kitchen and started on the dishes that were starting to take over the counter tops and stove. I turned on some music and God swept me to another place. A place where my heavenly Father was waiting to embrace me and weep with me. God reminded me that He will give me the strength to love my dad even when I don't think it's possible. God reminded me that He is a redeemer of marriage and that He can change the hearts of my cousins... if they let Him. God reminded me that His heart breaks with mine when I am hurting. I sat in His embrace as His tears washed over me soothing my soul. He knows every pain, every tear, every question, every thought, every dream. He knows the depths of my soul and His heart is so much bigger than I can even imagine. He spoke to me, as I lay my head on His chest and heard His tender heart beat. His voice renewed my broken heart. He spoke words of life over my heart. Father where are thou? Though my earthly father breaks my heart... my Heavenly Father is picking up the pieces and restoring me to wholeness. A wholeness that can only be found in Him. I breathe a deep breath and my eyes are now dry. I can rest in the knowledge that my Heavenly Father will never let me down. He is my strength and my song. Lord renew my love for my earthly father. Give me your strength, because my own strength is too little for the task. Teach me how to love like you love. Lord break the chains that are entangling my family. Bring truth and light into their lives! Use me Lord to show them more of who you are. Thank you Lord for your perfect love. sigh. In you alone Lord... I find that I can face today.