I am a hopeless romantic... so sue me. I am a girl who wants (as one of my favorite musicians JJ Heller once wrote) someone "who'll love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become". Yes, I am blessed to have the LOVE of an amazing Heavenly Father, yet, I do want to be loved by a man here on this amazing Earth! That is not too much to ask. I don't think so anyway. No my eggs are not withering and dying off. I am still a young fertile girl. I don't need to go off and get things "harvested". I am just searching for someone who will bring a smile to my face and whom I can see God using both of our lives together to make a difference in this world for His glory. Yeah, I am an optimist. I won't let this world bring me down. So what if most of my friends are married! That doesn't mean that I have passed my prime and am stuffed into the category of being an old maid! I have so much to offer! These past couple weeks I have woken up to the concept that someone pursuing me is exactly what I want. To be his first thought in the morning, to be his last call before he turns in for the night, to be the object of someones affection. That is a precious thing! Something that I hope every person in my life gets to experience. I think about all that I can do as just one person. What if I had someone with a like mind who was committed to similar passions? What if there was someone to push me out of my comfort zone and challenge me more in my faith? I see myself growing with this someone even before we have met. I don't know why some people are "called" to be single and others are not. I just know that I don't feel that call... I feel the call of being a mother and a nurturer. I feel the call of being a lover of my husband through better and worse. I feel the call to reach out to nations hurting and in search of a Saviour. I feel the call to be a friend and mentor to the younger generations. I feel the call of teaching the difference between what the world views as love and what the bible teaches about love. I feel the call to share my life as an open book and say "to HELL with you devil! God already has the Victory and gets ALL the Glory in my life!!" I feel the call to take medical care and knowledge anywhere that the Lord leads me.
I don't know how it's all going to work out. I am just hoping that my partner in ministry and just every day little things is someone I get to know soon. This adventure called life is more fun when you have someone special to share it with. So... someone... my special someone... come in pursuit of me! :)
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Been awhile...
Just realized that it has been awhile since I updated my blog. So much has happened in my life over the past four months...
I am no longer working at the bank! Praise the Lord! That chapter in my life came to a close near the end of March and I couldn't be happier. I met my seven year mark! That means I was fully vested in my 401k! pretty crazy to already have had one career at age 26. I am now working part time at a smoothie shop and am loving the deliciousness of frozen fruit goodness that I get to partake of every day I work there. It has been said that smoothies are my spiritual gift. I will not deny it. :) ha! I am hoping to get a job at the YMCA within the next month. Lord willing that door will open. It has been a desire of mine to work there for quite some time.
Happenings in my family have been a little crazy. I took a trip with my sister to the UK and this journey turned out to be a whole lot more than I imagined it would be. The best part about that trip was that I got to stay with my dear friend Jo while we visited Edinburgh, Scotland. She is the reason, along with the strength that the Lord gave me, that I got through the two weeks with my sister. Not enough time to finish this post so more to come soon :)
I am no longer working at the bank! Praise the Lord! That chapter in my life came to a close near the end of March and I couldn't be happier. I met my seven year mark! That means I was fully vested in my 401k! pretty crazy to already have had one career at age 26. I am now working part time at a smoothie shop and am loving the deliciousness of frozen fruit goodness that I get to partake of every day I work there. It has been said that smoothies are my spiritual gift. I will not deny it. :) ha! I am hoping to get a job at the YMCA within the next month. Lord willing that door will open. It has been a desire of mine to work there for quite some time.
Happenings in my family have been a little crazy. I took a trip with my sister to the UK and this journey turned out to be a whole lot more than I imagined it would be. The best part about that trip was that I got to stay with my dear friend Jo while we visited Edinburgh, Scotland. She is the reason, along with the strength that the Lord gave me, that I got through the two weeks with my sister. Not enough time to finish this post so more to come soon :)
Monday, April 09, 2007
father where art thou?
 | Yesterday was Easter... a time of family, a time of celebration, a time to embrace the miracle and huge gift of Christ's death covering every sin of the world and then His glorious resurection. Yesterday was a hard day. I could not sleep most of the night. I lay in my bed thinking and dreaming ~ drifting in and out of uncertain dreams to more thoughts of loss and sobering grief. The hardest part of my day was recieving an email. If you don't know me... my family has been "under attack" for most of my life. So yesterday I went to church with my mom and little brother, then we drove to Federal Way to have lunch with my grandparents. On the way we called my dad to wish him a happy Easter. No answer. We all yelled our happy greatings over the phone and told him we love him on his voicemail. Even now I cry because loving my dad has been one of the hardest things in my life. Loving without expecting any love in return is so hard! And loving when you are continually hurt is hard too! So we went to my aunt's house to say hello to some cousins and I was reminded more of the way satan has tried to destroy my family. My cousins who are 29 and 30 talked about how they never want to get married because of the pain that marriage has caused in their family. Satan is trying to destroy and kill the beauty of marriage. It breaks my heart to hear them talk of such a wonderful gift. Yeah, marriage is hard work and all, but to give up on marriage before you even try... that is just sad! I want to bring truth back to their lives and remind them that all things are possible in Christ. They invited me to Portland for a girls weekend and I pray that God will use me to encourage them in their faith. Even though I am younger than they are, for some reason, they occasionally listen to what I have to say. God please prepare their hearts and mine for the words you want me to say. |
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Be Glorified!!
God is so amazing! I have had an epiphany that I think the devil is not happy about. God showed me about how in our weaknesses He is made stronger. How when we share our weaknesses that God has the victory in that area of our lives... well, Satan is defeated and shown that he has no hold on that area anymore and God gets the GLORY. ALL of the glory!
I feel like the Lord wants me to share an area of my weakness so that He can get the Glory. As I sit here in my pink chair typing away my heart races because I am nervous of what the world will think of me. I have been ashamed of myself for too long. God wants to show that He has done a work in my life so that I don't have to sit in silence anymore and so He can be glorified and use my weakness for His glory! He really can use ALL things for His glory!!
Here goes...
So it all began when I went on a blind date. I met a boy who I thought was cute and a little shy but I wanted to give him more of a chance to come out of his shell... so we dated.... for 16 months. I don't think I had ever had that much affection from a man in my life. He was showering me with attention and I wanted to spend all of my time with him. I was lost in a world of love and affection, caught up in feelings and overwhelmed with the wonder of being physically and emotionally close to a man. It wasn't long into the relationship that I began to lose myself to the person that this man wanted me to become. It wasn't long before the boundaries that I had spent so much time in my life preparing came crashing down as I chose to compromise again and again. The dreams that God had for me slowly became blurred and my vision for His will became so distorted as I continued to chose my own will and my own desires over what I knew was right.
There was a time in the summer of 2005 at his church when the pastor was preaching about getting as far away from our sin as we possibly can. At the very moment the pastor read that verse I felt the urgent need to get up out of the pew and run out of the church. Did I? Nope. I sat there and brushed that verse aside saying that it was for someone else. Another sinner whose sin is so much "worse" than my own. As if I could measure my own sin compared to someone else's sin. Oh how I wish I could change that moment and have changed my reaction to that verse. I wish that I had gotten up and never looked back. I learned through that moment that God never gave up on me. He was trying to protect me the whole way through that relationship and I kept pushing Him aside, saying that my choice is better.
When I was a youth I pledged to God that I would save my virginity until marriage for my husband. That I would save sex for the marriage bed. I even filled out a form and signed it. I had a bookmark declaring my pledge and one of my youth leaders saw how committed I was to staying pure. I think I blocked the specific day from my memory because of the shame that came over me that day. It happened so quickly and I remember telling the Lord to shut up and that I was going to make my own choice. Fooling around quickly escalated and after it was over I found myself shaking in a blanket tears streaming down my face. What had I done? Who had I become? We both prayed for forgiveness and asked the Lord for His mercy. We pledge to each other that it wouldn't happen again. I wish that were true. It wasn't long before we chose to disregard the boundaries that we had established and to lose ourselves to sin yet again. My heart became callused as I saw myself become someone that I could not respect or even look at. I had distanced myself from my friends so they were unaware of my sin or my struggle. I was alone in my sin and Satan tormented me with the constant reminders of my sin and the awful sinner that I had become. I was fighting an internal battle with myself. Though the Lord had not stopped talking to me I was unsure His voice in my head. Did I recognize His voice anymore? Would God still talk to me even if I was living in sin? Did He want to communicate with a daughter who told Him to shut up? Would His grace cover my sin as I chose the sin again and again over what His word told me?
I finally got to the point of acknowledging His voice again. In December of 2005 God put several areas of weakness in our relationship on my heart. He reminded me of the dreams He had for me. He reminded me of the strengths that I once valued in a future husband. He reminded me of the relationship with Him that had been waining away. I knew in my heart at that point that I needed to break up with my boyfriend. That is when the internal struggle of my future began to play into my choices. I wanted to have stability, I wanted a family, we wanted to be married soon! My family was a chaotic mess and his family was "normal". I wanted to have security and was determined that my security would be found in a husband. We both wanted to have a baby and were already picking out names for our future children. My plans were so exciting! My plans were exactly what would bring me wholeness in my life. That was the only problem... they were my plans and not the Lord's plans!
The hardest part for me was coming to grips with the plans that God had for me and choosing the future He wanted for me... the future that had so much mystery to it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. For when you seek me you will find me..." (Jeremiah 29:11-12) Another struggle for me was the thought of breaking someones heart even if it meant being obedient to the Lord. I found myself wanting to fill the place in my boyfriends life were I knew only God could meet him. It took me about five months to break free from my own will. I shared some of my doubts with my boyfriend and every time he assured me that I was just nervous, I was the one with "cold feet". I was still caught up in sin and unsure of the Lord's forgiveness. Satan told me that if I got out of this relationship no one would ever want me because I was "used" and a "dirty" sinner. My self worth went through a downward spiral as I believed the lies that the devil threw at me.
I went to visit my sister and mom in Spokane and had a five hour drive there and five hour drive back to spend in prayer asking the Lord for His truth and His will for my life. I cried out to the Lord for five hours and sang His praises igniting a fire in my soul that seemingly had forgotten how to burn. After the first five hours in the car I arrived with the assurance that the Lord wanted me to end the relationship. I was broken. The friend that my life had revolved around for the last year would be torn apart. I cried for the whole weekend as God continued to assure me that His will for my life did not include my current boyfriend. Would he be ok? I questioned Gods ability to meet my boyfriend in his time of brokenness and decided that I would wait another month before I broke it off. I tried to distance myself from him and we still struggled with sin in our relationship. As God continued to open my eyes I was disgusted at what our relationship had become. The month went by and our breakup took three whole days and then another month before we cut the friendship off completely. To the very end we struggled physically. Sin so easily entangled us. When our relationship was finally over I felt as though a part of me had died. I didn't know that my heart could actually feel like it was broken. I cried for a week.
Looking back I see that God was using that time to bring me to a place where all I had was Him. I could do nothing on my own strength and had no strength of my own so I was fully dependent on the Lord. I began to hear His voice clearly and to cry out to Him each day sometimes every hour it seemed. God reminded me of who I am in Him and that ALL fall short of the glory of God but then again that is the reason He sent His Son. My "dirty" sin was covered by the blood of Jesus on the cross of Calvary. Every fallen moment I had endured was wiped away because of the unmerited gift of Christ death and eternal forgiveness. Who I was I was no more. God took me from dirty garments of yuck to fresh and pure gowns of glory. God reminded me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made, I am a masterpiece created in Christ's image to do His works, I am a sinner saved by grace, I am a child of God, I am forgiven because He chooses to forgive me. He brought me out of sin and redeemed my life. He has called me back to His plan and I now choose to live in His will. His plans for me are so much better than anything I could ever "hope or imagine". God has done a work in my life and He deserves ALL the glory! Thank you Lord for not giving up on me. BE GLORIFIED IN ME!!!
I know that if you are a friend of mine reading this you may be shocked and you may not be surprised at the same time because you knew I was in a struggle while in my relationship. Thank you for all of your prayers. I know it was your prayers that helped bring me back into God's will for my life. Thank you for loving me during a time that I wasn't very lovable. May the Lord bless you and encourage you with the work He has done in my life. As I let out a sigh I feel as though a weigh has been lifted off my chest and am encouraged by the thought of others being blessed because of the trials I walked through. I say it again... Lord, Be Glorified in Me!
I feel like the Lord wants me to share an area of my weakness so that He can get the Glory. As I sit here in my pink chair typing away my heart races because I am nervous of what the world will think of me. I have been ashamed of myself for too long. God wants to show that He has done a work in my life so that I don't have to sit in silence anymore and so He can be glorified and use my weakness for His glory! He really can use ALL things for His glory!!
Here goes...
So it all began when I went on a blind date. I met a boy who I thought was cute and a little shy but I wanted to give him more of a chance to come out of his shell... so we dated.... for 16 months. I don't think I had ever had that much affection from a man in my life. He was showering me with attention and I wanted to spend all of my time with him. I was lost in a world of love and affection, caught up in feelings and overwhelmed with the wonder of being physically and emotionally close to a man. It wasn't long into the relationship that I began to lose myself to the person that this man wanted me to become. It wasn't long before the boundaries that I had spent so much time in my life preparing came crashing down as I chose to compromise again and again. The dreams that God had for me slowly became blurred and my vision for His will became so distorted as I continued to chose my own will and my own desires over what I knew was right.
There was a time in the summer of 2005 at his church when the pastor was preaching about getting as far away from our sin as we possibly can. At the very moment the pastor read that verse I felt the urgent need to get up out of the pew and run out of the church. Did I? Nope. I sat there and brushed that verse aside saying that it was for someone else. Another sinner whose sin is so much "worse" than my own. As if I could measure my own sin compared to someone else's sin. Oh how I wish I could change that moment and have changed my reaction to that verse. I wish that I had gotten up and never looked back. I learned through that moment that God never gave up on me. He was trying to protect me the whole way through that relationship and I kept pushing Him aside, saying that my choice is better.
When I was a youth I pledged to God that I would save my virginity until marriage for my husband. That I would save sex for the marriage bed. I even filled out a form and signed it. I had a bookmark declaring my pledge and one of my youth leaders saw how committed I was to staying pure. I think I blocked the specific day from my memory because of the shame that came over me that day. It happened so quickly and I remember telling the Lord to shut up and that I was going to make my own choice. Fooling around quickly escalated and after it was over I found myself shaking in a blanket tears streaming down my face. What had I done? Who had I become? We both prayed for forgiveness and asked the Lord for His mercy. We pledge to each other that it wouldn't happen again. I wish that were true. It wasn't long before we chose to disregard the boundaries that we had established and to lose ourselves to sin yet again. My heart became callused as I saw myself become someone that I could not respect or even look at. I had distanced myself from my friends so they were unaware of my sin or my struggle. I was alone in my sin and Satan tormented me with the constant reminders of my sin and the awful sinner that I had become. I was fighting an internal battle with myself. Though the Lord had not stopped talking to me I was unsure His voice in my head. Did I recognize His voice anymore? Would God still talk to me even if I was living in sin? Did He want to communicate with a daughter who told Him to shut up? Would His grace cover my sin as I chose the sin again and again over what His word told me?
I finally got to the point of acknowledging His voice again. In December of 2005 God put several areas of weakness in our relationship on my heart. He reminded me of the dreams He had for me. He reminded me of the strengths that I once valued in a future husband. He reminded me of the relationship with Him that had been waining away. I knew in my heart at that point that I needed to break up with my boyfriend. That is when the internal struggle of my future began to play into my choices. I wanted to have stability, I wanted a family, we wanted to be married soon! My family was a chaotic mess and his family was "normal". I wanted to have security and was determined that my security would be found in a husband. We both wanted to have a baby and were already picking out names for our future children. My plans were so exciting! My plans were exactly what would bring me wholeness in my life. That was the only problem... they were my plans and not the Lord's plans!
The hardest part for me was coming to grips with the plans that God had for me and choosing the future He wanted for me... the future that had so much mystery to it. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. For when you seek me you will find me..." (Jeremiah 29:11-12) Another struggle for me was the thought of breaking someones heart even if it meant being obedient to the Lord. I found myself wanting to fill the place in my boyfriends life were I knew only God could meet him. It took me about five months to break free from my own will. I shared some of my doubts with my boyfriend and every time he assured me that I was just nervous, I was the one with "cold feet". I was still caught up in sin and unsure of the Lord's forgiveness. Satan told me that if I got out of this relationship no one would ever want me because I was "used" and a "dirty" sinner. My self worth went through a downward spiral as I believed the lies that the devil threw at me.
I went to visit my sister and mom in Spokane and had a five hour drive there and five hour drive back to spend in prayer asking the Lord for His truth and His will for my life. I cried out to the Lord for five hours and sang His praises igniting a fire in my soul that seemingly had forgotten how to burn. After the first five hours in the car I arrived with the assurance that the Lord wanted me to end the relationship. I was broken. The friend that my life had revolved around for the last year would be torn apart. I cried for the whole weekend as God continued to assure me that His will for my life did not include my current boyfriend. Would he be ok? I questioned Gods ability to meet my boyfriend in his time of brokenness and decided that I would wait another month before I broke it off. I tried to distance myself from him and we still struggled with sin in our relationship. As God continued to open my eyes I was disgusted at what our relationship had become. The month went by and our breakup took three whole days and then another month before we cut the friendship off completely. To the very end we struggled physically. Sin so easily entangled us. When our relationship was finally over I felt as though a part of me had died. I didn't know that my heart could actually feel like it was broken. I cried for a week.
Looking back I see that God was using that time to bring me to a place where all I had was Him. I could do nothing on my own strength and had no strength of my own so I was fully dependent on the Lord. I began to hear His voice clearly and to cry out to Him each day sometimes every hour it seemed. God reminded me of who I am in Him and that ALL fall short of the glory of God but then again that is the reason He sent His Son. My "dirty" sin was covered by the blood of Jesus on the cross of Calvary. Every fallen moment I had endured was wiped away because of the unmerited gift of Christ death and eternal forgiveness. Who I was I was no more. God took me from dirty garments of yuck to fresh and pure gowns of glory. God reminded me that I am wonderfully and fearfully made, I am a masterpiece created in Christ's image to do His works, I am a sinner saved by grace, I am a child of God, I am forgiven because He chooses to forgive me. He brought me out of sin and redeemed my life. He has called me back to His plan and I now choose to live in His will. His plans for me are so much better than anything I could ever "hope or imagine". God has done a work in my life and He deserves ALL the glory! Thank you Lord for not giving up on me. BE GLORIFIED IN ME!!!
I know that if you are a friend of mine reading this you may be shocked and you may not be surprised at the same time because you knew I was in a struggle while in my relationship. Thank you for all of your prayers. I know it was your prayers that helped bring me back into God's will for my life. Thank you for loving me during a time that I wasn't very lovable. May the Lord bless you and encourage you with the work He has done in my life. As I let out a sigh I feel as though a weigh has been lifted off my chest and am encouraged by the thought of others being blessed because of the trials I walked through. I say it again... Lord, Be Glorified in Me!
Monday, February 19, 2007
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
Do you ever feel like you are living someone else's life? Like you are going to wake up in the morning and your reality will seem a bit easier than it has in the past?
Last week was a great week... I had a Valentines party at my house with some girl friends and celebrated the day with fun and fellowship. We played MASH and had treats and I even gave a special gift to a couple friends... A grown your own boyfriend! It grows 600% in 72 hours! It started at about three inches and isn't growing as it promised. Oh well. Life goes on. Later in the week I got to catch up with old friends from Lighthouse who are now busy with married life, and now babies and our lives just aren't as entertwined as they used to be so it was really fun to get to see them again. Our talks used to be alot more about boys and other silly things. I have never talked so much about babies in my life! This is definately a different part of our friendships.
This weekend was filled with more fun as I fellowshipped with a new friend who is a bosom friend. I definately see Gods hand in bringer her to P-town. She has been a blessing in my life. :) It was great to spend the weekend with her. Sunday night at prayer God showed up (like usual) and was very much talking to us. It is so exciting each week to come together and see how God is going to move in our lives. It is a joy to see people hungry to hear from the Lord and patiently waiting on Him to speak. God's presence was so thick in the room that I could breathe it in. What a precious gift to be a part of that.
Oh. Last week my sis called me and told me that she is going to pay for me to go with her to England! I am so excited!
Today I found out some perplexing news. My sis is getting divorced. She hasn't told anyone else in the fam and doesn't want me to say anything. uugh! Yet again I am asked to stay silent when I don't agree with something that is happening. Whats worse is that she met someone online from Wales who we are going to see while we are there in March. And they love eachother!?!!? And they both are in other relationships right now?!!?! UUGH! I feel sick inside! I feel like she tricked me! I am so frustrated and don't know what I should do.
I do believe from the moment that she told me that I was going with her that God had something up His sleeve and wants to do something in both our lives during this trip. I am just at a loss. I am excited to see what God is going to do.
At the same time I am praying for the right job to become available. I am applying a several locations to try and get a job in one months time. I am stressing out even though I know God is going to provide! He takes care of the lilies and the birds and He cares so much about me. Why do I get so stressed out?! My stomach is turning. God please help me. Quiet my heart and let me find some kind of understanding which is not my own. Bring me peace and wisdom to know what your will is in these situations. Erase my tension and help me to give this all to you. I am not able to carry any burden on my own strength. Lord have your way. Have YOUR way! Show me YOUR way! I want to be obediant and faithful to what you are calling me to do LORD! Solidify your will in my life. Confirm my next steps as I step out into the scary unknown. Teach me to trust beyond my own understanding. Help me to rest in who you are.
Last week was a great week... I had a Valentines party at my house with some girl friends and celebrated the day with fun and fellowship. We played MASH and had treats and I even gave a special gift to a couple friends... A grown your own boyfriend! It grows 600% in 72 hours! It started at about three inches and isn't growing as it promised. Oh well. Life goes on. Later in the week I got to catch up with old friends from Lighthouse who are now busy with married life, and now babies and our lives just aren't as entertwined as they used to be so it was really fun to get to see them again. Our talks used to be alot more about boys and other silly things. I have never talked so much about babies in my life! This is definately a different part of our friendships.
This weekend was filled with more fun as I fellowshipped with a new friend who is a bosom friend. I definately see Gods hand in bringer her to P-town. She has been a blessing in my life. :) It was great to spend the weekend with her. Sunday night at prayer God showed up (like usual) and was very much talking to us. It is so exciting each week to come together and see how God is going to move in our lives. It is a joy to see people hungry to hear from the Lord and patiently waiting on Him to speak. God's presence was so thick in the room that I could breathe it in. What a precious gift to be a part of that.
Oh. Last week my sis called me and told me that she is going to pay for me to go with her to England! I am so excited!
Today I found out some perplexing news. My sis is getting divorced. She hasn't told anyone else in the fam and doesn't want me to say anything. uugh! Yet again I am asked to stay silent when I don't agree with something that is happening. Whats worse is that she met someone online from Wales who we are going to see while we are there in March. And they love eachother!?!!? And they both are in other relationships right now?!!?! UUGH! I feel sick inside! I feel like she tricked me! I am so frustrated and don't know what I should do.
I do believe from the moment that she told me that I was going with her that God had something up His sleeve and wants to do something in both our lives during this trip. I am just at a loss. I am excited to see what God is going to do.
At the same time I am praying for the right job to become available. I am applying a several locations to try and get a job in one months time. I am stressing out even though I know God is going to provide! He takes care of the lilies and the birds and He cares so much about me. Why do I get so stressed out?! My stomach is turning. God please help me. Quiet my heart and let me find some kind of understanding which is not my own. Bring me peace and wisdom to know what your will is in these situations. Erase my tension and help me to give this all to you. I am not able to carry any burden on my own strength. Lord have your way. Have YOUR way! Show me YOUR way! I want to be obediant and faithful to what you are calling me to do LORD! Solidify your will in my life. Confirm my next steps as I step out into the scary unknown. Teach me to trust beyond my own understanding. Help me to rest in who you are.
Monday, February 05, 2007
its been awhile
So. I was thinkin I should write something because I haven't for a few months. It has been another busy phase in my life. Busy work. Busy keeping up with my mom. Busy trying to suceed in my education. And busy trying to have some small social life in the midst of all the busyness.
One thing that has not been so busy in my life is the area which is most eternally impactful. I have been so busy that I haven't been in the word and have often missed church. Lame on me!!
Today I was thinking about how I am feeling overwhelmed and am needing direction and having a hard time hearing. I wonder why!?! (sarcasm) I have been so busy that I haven't taken much time to listen lately. Do I even recognize His voice anymore? Is that something I can forget? Ok. I might be getting a bit dramatic. I have been in
prayer a lot during the last few months. I am just feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with the Lord right now. I can't seem to put my finger in it. I will ask the Lord to show me what it is. He says ask!
I can hear His voice and it is often the only thing I want to listen to because life can be so draining and distracting. I just wish I could get rid of the distractions more often in my life. Maybe I need a clean sweep. A time to reprioritise. God help me know what I need please! Lord I am so thankful that you never give up on me. You are my only constant and my saving grace! I am so thankful that you don't just stop giving grace all of a sudden, or only give grace on certain days of the week. Nope. Your perfect grace is new every morning and complete with your perfect everlasting love! Thank you Lord! I just love you so much! I pray that you will strengthen me in my areas of weakness and use me for your glory to impact this world for you. Use me. Mold me. Shape me. Change me. Cleanse me. Sharpen me. Strengthen me. Refine me.
This quarter in college has been harder than the last quarter. I am realizing how important it is to be organized... an area which I truely struggle with. And also realizing how much more I need to study and stay on top of things in my classes. I am depending on alot of grace for the rest of this quarter. God told me last quarter that if I am faithful in my studies He will show himself faithful in equiping me. So... I have been a bit of a slacker this quarter and am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on track with my education.
Other things in the life of me...
my best friend got married and I spent a month with her before her wedding helping her prepare and enjoying her company before she headed out of the country for two years. It was so much fun and just amzing to get to spend time with her and her husband after they were married. He showed me how much he loves her and my heart was at peace knowing he would give her all the love she needs. It is sad to think she will be gone for two years. But I am excited thinking about the possibilities of visiting her all over the world. Australians are fun! She married an Aussie and his family came to Washington and I had the priveledge of hangin out with them in Seattle and also Vancouver. They are just great people! I hope they come back again soon. :)
As for my love life... ha! just kidding... it isn't really in existance right now... I so love the Lord though!! I will just continue lovin Him forver and praying for the man that God has to be my partner in life and ministry. God I hope that you show him to me soon!! But I will try to be patient until that time comes.
I am getting tired and I have school in the morning. I am off to bed.
Until next time...
May your smiles be many and may your life be blessed!!
One thing that has not been so busy in my life is the area which is most eternally impactful. I have been so busy that I haven't been in the word and have often missed church. Lame on me!!
Today I was thinking about how I am feeling overwhelmed and am needing direction and having a hard time hearing. I wonder why!?! (sarcasm) I have been so busy that I haven't taken much time to listen lately. Do I even recognize His voice anymore? Is that something I can forget? Ok. I might be getting a bit dramatic. I have been in
prayer a lot during the last few months. I am just feeling like I am missing something in my relationship with the Lord right now. I can't seem to put my finger in it. I will ask the Lord to show me what it is. He says ask!
I can hear His voice and it is often the only thing I want to listen to because life can be so draining and distracting. I just wish I could get rid of the distractions more often in my life. Maybe I need a clean sweep. A time to reprioritise. God help me know what I need please! Lord I am so thankful that you never give up on me. You are my only constant and my saving grace! I am so thankful that you don't just stop giving grace all of a sudden, or only give grace on certain days of the week. Nope. Your perfect grace is new every morning and complete with your perfect everlasting love! Thank you Lord! I just love you so much! I pray that you will strengthen me in my areas of weakness and use me for your glory to impact this world for you. Use me. Mold me. Shape me. Change me. Cleanse me. Sharpen me. Strengthen me. Refine me.
This quarter in college has been harder than the last quarter. I am realizing how important it is to be organized... an area which I truely struggle with. And also realizing how much more I need to study and stay on top of things in my classes. I am depending on alot of grace for the rest of this quarter. God told me last quarter that if I am faithful in my studies He will show himself faithful in equiping me. So... I have been a bit of a slacker this quarter and am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on track with my education.
Other things in the life of me...
my best friend got married and I spent a month with her before her wedding helping her prepare and enjoying her company before she headed out of the country for two years. It was so much fun and just amzing to get to spend time with her and her husband after they were married. He showed me how much he loves her and my heart was at peace knowing he would give her all the love she needs. It is sad to think she will be gone for two years. But I am excited thinking about the possibilities of visiting her all over the world. Australians are fun! She married an Aussie and his family came to Washington and I had the priveledge of hangin out with them in Seattle and also Vancouver. They are just great people! I hope they come back again soon. :)
As for my love life... ha! just kidding... it isn't really in existance right now... I so love the Lord though!! I will just continue lovin Him forver and praying for the man that God has to be my partner in life and ministry. God I hope that you show him to me soon!! But I will try to be patient until that time comes.
I am getting tired and I have school in the morning. I am off to bed.
Until next time...
May your smiles be many and may your life be blessed!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
He is the God of ALL Comfort
2nd Corinthians 1:3-7(NIV)
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubGod. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
So these past couple months have been really trying and over the last two days I have felt very overwhelmed with everything that has happen in my family. Dad and mom divored. Dad remarried. Dad's wife now causing division. Dad's wife saying hurtful things and pushing us away from my dad. Dad not willing to talk to or even be in the same room with mom. Mom being an emotional wreck because of the pain she is feeling and because of her bi-polar disorder. Trying to protect mom and shield her from the truth of what dad is doing. Being a support to her and to the rest of the family. I have been overwhelmed to say the least. And tonight I grieved for the family times that will never be had again. I hate divorce! I hate the devil! I hate that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy! I love that God is the Father to the fatherless and cares about every detail of our lives. I love that God knows my pain and weeps with me at the loss of my family unit. I love that God has a plan to prosper and not to harm. I love that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun. I love that God has come to give life to its fullest. I love that nothing seperates us from His love! I love that I am His child! I love that He rejoices in the truth! I love that He loves me!
So today I was feeling overwhelmed with the cares of this world. Now I am overwhelmed with the LOVE of our dear Lord. He is the God of all comfort! He has met me in my time of sorrow and pulled me onto His lap and whispered the sweet songs of His love into my heart. God is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so thankful that He knows my name, and hears my every thought. He is my strength, my song, my comfort, my peace, my joy!
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubGod. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
So these past couple months have been really trying and over the last two days I have felt very overwhelmed with everything that has happen in my family. Dad and mom divored. Dad remarried. Dad's wife now causing division. Dad's wife saying hurtful things and pushing us away from my dad. Dad not willing to talk to or even be in the same room with mom. Mom being an emotional wreck because of the pain she is feeling and because of her bi-polar disorder. Trying to protect mom and shield her from the truth of what dad is doing. Being a support to her and to the rest of the family. I have been overwhelmed to say the least. And tonight I grieved for the family times that will never be had again. I hate divorce! I hate the devil! I hate that he comes to steal, kill, and destroy! I love that God is the Father to the fatherless and cares about every detail of our lives. I love that God knows my pain and weeps with me at the loss of my family unit. I love that God has a plan to prosper and not to harm. I love that God is faithful to complete the work He has begun. I love that God has come to give life to its fullest. I love that nothing seperates us from His love! I love that I am His child! I love that He rejoices in the truth! I love that He loves me!
So today I was feeling overwhelmed with the cares of this world. Now I am overwhelmed with the LOVE of our dear Lord. He is the God of all comfort! He has met me in my time of sorrow and pulled me onto His lap and whispered the sweet songs of His love into my heart. God is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so thankful that He knows my name, and hears my every thought. He is my strength, my song, my comfort, my peace, my joy!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Studious Maximus
So... I am half way through my first semester of college and all I can say is... God is so good! I struggled in high school when the stresses of family life made me physically sick and was worried that school made me sick and that I would have another occurance. Praise the Lord! I am able to go to school and not get really sick. I still get stressed out and that affects my tummy but it is no where near as bad as it was in high school. Another praise... I am doing awesome in my classes. I have high A's right now... I think my total GPA is about 3.95. God is so good! The song He has continually given me is"He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today, He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way, He is able, more than able to do much more than I can ever dream, He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be." That is my mantra. It is not me that is able... it is Christ who is able to do a work in me. I feel that God has continually placed the call of nursing on my heart and it is hard for me to write that I am pursing nursing because I have a fear of failing. God has already proved to me that it is in no way my strength that will get me through the next three or four years. So I am continually praying that God will make me solely dependant upon Him.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Prayer needed
Prayer last night at church
so...there was worship and then prayer for anyone who wanted to be there last night. I went and then was going to leave because I was feeling sick to my stomach. So I got out the front door and then realized that so often the devil makes me feel sick when he is trying to keep me from something that God wants to do in my life. So I go back inside and find a seat. The worship is beautiful and the presence of the LORD is thick and I am soaking in it. Then we start prayer. There are people praying for a man with throat and mouth cancer and then there are people on either side of the church if anyone wanted prayer for anything. I could not get out of my chair even if I wanted to. I didn't realize how much I needed prayer until it was being offered and I couldn't force myself to get up and recieve it. I was overcome with grief. Heavy on my heart. I felt like I was failing. The hardest thing that I was thinking as I sobbed big body racking sobs as the tears streamed down my face was this... I don't know how I can love my dad. I was feeling like I had no idea how to do that. I was feeling bitterness and unforgiveness and just uglyness towards him. And so much pain for the way he has caused pain in all of my family members lives. I sat there and cried and cried and hoped that someone would see... first of all that I needed a kleenex because I was soaking the floor beneath me and sniveling to keep the snot from seeping out of my nose... but secondly... I wanted prayer. God is so good! As soon as a ton of people were done praying for the guy with cancer I hear a voice that says "can I pray for you?" YES!! I say in a barely audible sniveling voice. As this voice prays for me I feel the hands of many all over and every prayer that is said starts breaking away at the heavyness on my heart. The voice prays for strength, for understanding, for me as a pillar in my family, for school, for my health... and then for LOVE for my father. That is when I cry my heart out. My body racks with sobs and God breaks through to my heart that doesn't think I can love. I can't on my own that is for sure. But God can teach me how to love my dad even when it hurts. It was a beautiful night and I am so thankful that Satan didn't get the victory and that I was there so that God could meet my need and cleans my heart. Pease pray for me during this next week. It is major. With school, mom needing my support, and dad getting married in Vegas on Saturday... and then work and other misc stuff too. I need prayer and am not afraid to ask for it! :)
so...there was worship and then prayer for anyone who wanted to be there last night. I went and then was going to leave because I was feeling sick to my stomach. So I got out the front door and then realized that so often the devil makes me feel sick when he is trying to keep me from something that God wants to do in my life. So I go back inside and find a seat. The worship is beautiful and the presence of the LORD is thick and I am soaking in it. Then we start prayer. There are people praying for a man with throat and mouth cancer and then there are people on either side of the church if anyone wanted prayer for anything. I could not get out of my chair even if I wanted to. I didn't realize how much I needed prayer until it was being offered and I couldn't force myself to get up and recieve it. I was overcome with grief. Heavy on my heart. I felt like I was failing. The hardest thing that I was thinking as I sobbed big body racking sobs as the tears streamed down my face was this... I don't know how I can love my dad. I was feeling like I had no idea how to do that. I was feeling bitterness and unforgiveness and just uglyness towards him. And so much pain for the way he has caused pain in all of my family members lives. I sat there and cried and cried and hoped that someone would see... first of all that I needed a kleenex because I was soaking the floor beneath me and sniveling to keep the snot from seeping out of my nose... but secondly... I wanted prayer. God is so good! As soon as a ton of people were done praying for the guy with cancer I hear a voice that says "can I pray for you?" YES!! I say in a barely audible sniveling voice. As this voice prays for me I feel the hands of many all over and every prayer that is said starts breaking away at the heavyness on my heart. The voice prays for strength, for understanding, for me as a pillar in my family, for school, for my health... and then for LOVE for my father. That is when I cry my heart out. My body racks with sobs and God breaks through to my heart that doesn't think I can love. I can't on my own that is for sure. But God can teach me how to love my dad even when it hurts. It was a beautiful night and I am so thankful that Satan didn't get the victory and that I was there so that God could meet my need and cleans my heart. Pease pray for me during this next week. It is major. With school, mom needing my support, and dad getting married in Vegas on Saturday... and then work and other misc stuff too. I need prayer and am not afraid to ask for it! :)
Monday, September 11, 2006
Another Free Gift
Ok... so for the past three months there has been a prayer night at my house and it has been so cool to see how God meets us with something new and totally applicable each week. He is the living God and so active in our lives when we stop and look at who He is and what He is doing. Yeah! So last night was prayer again... and we have been a bit discouraged because with summer and all the people that come has been not so consistant and we changed the day from Monday nights to Sunday nights at 8pm to whenever. So again... last night was prayer... and God met me in a powerful way. He reminded me of the gift of discernment that He has given me and also gave me a new gift. I didn't realize it, but God had to deal with an area of unbelief in my life. So when I was in junior high I went on this retreat with my youth group and there were about fifteen of us that prayed to get the gift of tounges. At that time I was crushed that I didn't recieve it and remember thinking that everyone else had recieved it and why didn't I. Was there something wrong with me? Did I not believe enough to get this gift? Then through the years I read in the bible about the gifts of the church and interpreted a passage to say that not everyone recieves the gift of tounges... come to find out... I was wrong. God wants to give all of us the gift of toungues! And last night I asked God to forgive me for my unbelief and told Him that I am ready for this gift. I believe the truth now... that He wants to give all of His children a special prayer language. So when I surrendered... He freely gave. I spent about fifteen minutes fighting against myself and was so nervous about how I would sound that I wouldn't open my mouth. It is hilarious to me now. Why do we fight against a gift? I stopped fighting and gave into sounding ridiculous... I gave into the toungue that God wanted to give me. My spirit soared and it blessed my soul. I am excited to lift up nations in prayer and know that God is faithful and hears our prayers. He is an awesome God! I am so glad I didn't wait another ten years before finally accepting another gift that He freely gives. If you haven't recieved the gift of tounges. Ask. And you will recieve. Be blessed!
Monday, August 14, 2006
On my knees again and again and again and...
So this weekend my dad told me that he is engaged to be married to a lady that is not my mother... a lady that I do not see how God could want them to be together. I know that God can still do a work in my parents marriage. I am praying that God will break through my dads heart and pull the blinders off his eyes. I pray that each day God will make his relationship with Terry seem lacking in every area and that God will put in his heart a desire to restore his relationship with my mom. I know that God doesn't want divorce so I know that God wants my parents to forgive eachother for all of the past hurts and to grow together in the LORD again. I am praying for a miracle and God is in the business of miracles so I am hopeful and claiming a miracle for my parents. God is able to do more than we can hope or imagine. Thank you LORD for that promise. You are my strength and my song! I will get down on my knees and continue to pray... thank you LORD for not giving up on my family. You want to see both of my parents fully surrendered to your will and I will continue to pray for that. You have a plan to prosper and not to harm, a plan to give a hope and a future... and that includes my parents.
I pray that any walls to block, any wax build up to stop hearing, and any lies from the devil would be lost and not make there way into my dads ears or heart. That he would only be able to hear truth from you LORD! I know that you are ABLE! And you say ask and you will recieve. So I am asking LORD! I am asking for you to do a mighty work in my dad! Please LORD! Do YOUR will have YOUR way in his life! Thank you LORD!
I pray that any walls to block, any wax build up to stop hearing, and any lies from the devil would be lost and not make there way into my dads ears or heart. That he would only be able to hear truth from you LORD! I know that you are ABLE! And you say ask and you will recieve. So I am asking LORD! I am asking for you to do a mighty work in my dad! Please LORD! Do YOUR will have YOUR way in his life! Thank you LORD!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
the best place to be
So after a few months I am going to update this thing again.
I am currently preparing to start school in the fall and have lined up my job to decrease hours and figured out my schedule. I just need to hear back from my financial aid application to find out when I can sign up for classes.
My best friend Sonja is home for a couple months and it has blessed my soul to have her close by again. She is a kidred spirit and God has continually used her in my life to sharpen me and likewise.
I have moved to a house downtown P-town with a great friend that I have known most of my life. Cherm. And we live on the top floor of an old 1922 craftman style house while the owners of the house remodel the downstairs. They are not living there yet and I think if things keep going at this pace it might be another year before they actually inhabit the house.
As for me and God...
I am so glad that I finally am back to a place of surrender and focusing on God's best for my life... and His wants and desires for me... not my own wants and desires. I am trusting and seeking God for wisdom continually and want to do His will in my life. Since God has brought me back to seeking His face I am at peace about life and trusting Him even through the hard times in life.
A few months ago my parents divorced each other for the second time. It wasn't hard in the beginning and then as my dad started dating someone and I started praying for my family God revealed His heart for my family. God told me about how Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy... but God has come to heal, give life to the fullest, and to restore! God showed me that He has a plan for my family to prosper them and not to harm them. He also showed me...
Matthew16: 24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul? For I, the Son of Man, will come in the glory of my Father with his angels and will judge all people according to their deeds."
We must die to our flesh and will only find true fulfillment when we live only for Christ.
God has given me a passion to pray for my family and boldness to speak to my dad about the things God has revealed to me.
God has also showed me a new picture of a marriage. A marriage is like a house. A house needs maintinance all the time. You mow the lawn and it has to be mowed again in a couple weeks. You clean out the gutters in the fall... you will still have to clean the gutters out again. It isn't a one time deal. You have to continually work to keep it cleaned and maintained. Also, if you don't clean a bathroom for a month... when you finally get to it, the cleaning process will require much more sweat, and take more time, and it will be so much dirtier. It makes so much more sense to continually focus on the cleaning process of your marriage. I hope and pray that in my marriage (some day... only God knows when) that my husband and I will be able to "clean house" regularly. God is so cool to reveal things to His kids.
So also since we moved downtown P-town we started a Monday night prayer night and now we are moving the date to Sunday night at 8pm. So you are more than welcome to come and bring anyone who wants to pray. It has been amazing to see how God leads our time of prayer each week. He has made each week unique and I can only imagine what is happening in the heavenlies because of the prayers that are being lifted up.
Please continue to pray for me and my family and that God would show me my purpose in my family and that I would walk boldly and humbly in that role. Also please pray for me as I am getting ready to start school and that God would remind me continually that he did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of a sound mind, and self discipline, and self control. I know God will equip me as I start this next adventure in my life.
God is so good!
I will continue to say... the best place to be is in His will and that is where I continually strive to be!
I am currently preparing to start school in the fall and have lined up my job to decrease hours and figured out my schedule. I just need to hear back from my financial aid application to find out when I can sign up for classes.
My best friend Sonja is home for a couple months and it has blessed my soul to have her close by again. She is a kidred spirit and God has continually used her in my life to sharpen me and likewise.
I have moved to a house downtown P-town with a great friend that I have known most of my life. Cherm. And we live on the top floor of an old 1922 craftman style house while the owners of the house remodel the downstairs. They are not living there yet and I think if things keep going at this pace it might be another year before they actually inhabit the house.
As for me and God...
I am so glad that I finally am back to a place of surrender and focusing on God's best for my life... and His wants and desires for me... not my own wants and desires. I am trusting and seeking God for wisdom continually and want to do His will in my life. Since God has brought me back to seeking His face I am at peace about life and trusting Him even through the hard times in life.
A few months ago my parents divorced each other for the second time. It wasn't hard in the beginning and then as my dad started dating someone and I started praying for my family God revealed His heart for my family. God told me about how Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy... but God has come to heal, give life to the fullest, and to restore! God showed me that He has a plan for my family to prosper them and not to harm them. He also showed me...
Matthew16: 24 Then Jesus said to the disciples, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul? For I, the Son of Man, will come in the glory of my Father with his angels and will judge all people according to their deeds."
We must die to our flesh and will only find true fulfillment when we live only for Christ.
God has given me a passion to pray for my family and boldness to speak to my dad about the things God has revealed to me.
God has also showed me a new picture of a marriage. A marriage is like a house. A house needs maintinance all the time. You mow the lawn and it has to be mowed again in a couple weeks. You clean out the gutters in the fall... you will still have to clean the gutters out again. It isn't a one time deal. You have to continually work to keep it cleaned and maintained. Also, if you don't clean a bathroom for a month... when you finally get to it, the cleaning process will require much more sweat, and take more time, and it will be so much dirtier. It makes so much more sense to continually focus on the cleaning process of your marriage. I hope and pray that in my marriage (some day... only God knows when) that my husband and I will be able to "clean house" regularly. God is so cool to reveal things to His kids.
So also since we moved downtown P-town we started a Monday night prayer night and now we are moving the date to Sunday night at 8pm. So you are more than welcome to come and bring anyone who wants to pray. It has been amazing to see how God leads our time of prayer each week. He has made each week unique and I can only imagine what is happening in the heavenlies because of the prayers that are being lifted up.
Please continue to pray for me and my family and that God would show me my purpose in my family and that I would walk boldly and humbly in that role. Also please pray for me as I am getting ready to start school and that God would remind me continually that he did not give me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of a sound mind, and self discipline, and self control. I know God will equip me as I start this next adventure in my life.
God is so good!
I will continue to say... the best place to be is in His will and that is where I continually strive to be!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
God is SO GOOD!
So it has been about two months since I finally said yes to God and broke up with my first love.
Never have I experienced such heart ache for another person and at the same time... never have I felt such freedom when I was obediant to God's ask of me.
It has been a rollercoaster of sorts getting my single legs under me again and also getting to the core of what God's heart for my life is. I had forgotten so many of the things that bring joy in my life and had felt weighed down without realizing it. God has reminded me of the dreams he has given me and put the joy back in my life that had been taken away from doing things my own way. I am so thankful for the grace that is continually given to me by my Heavenly Father. I do not deserve it one bit but I am eternally grateful!
Never have I experienced such heart ache for another person and at the same time... never have I felt such freedom when I was obediant to God's ask of me.
It has been a rollercoaster of sorts getting my single legs under me again and also getting to the core of what God's heart for my life is. I had forgotten so many of the things that bring joy in my life and had felt weighed down without realizing it. God has reminded me of the dreams he has given me and put the joy back in my life that had been taken away from doing things my own way. I am so thankful for the grace that is continually given to me by my Heavenly Father. I do not deserve it one bit but I am eternally grateful!
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
A Time to Cry
So last Wednesday my grandpa decided that the feeding tube that was keeping him alive was not the way he wanted to live any more. It wasn't even twenty-four hours later that he took his last breath and went home to be with Jesus. This last week has been a whirl wind of tears and fond memories and sharing joys and pain with family and loved ones. It is hard to think of the lake cabin (where all of us grandkids -24 to be exact... and now 15 great grandkids-have so many memories) being sold. And my grandparents house too... I was just talking to one of my aunts yesterday and we talked about how my grandparents homes have been the reason we have all come together for all of our lives. It will be different not having those places to gather. Not driving to Bothell for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July, birthdays, etc. ever again. Its just a sad thought. It is a chapter in my life that is finished. No more grandparents on my dads side of the family. My dad has been real sad and that is what tears me apart. He is hurting and wants to be strong but needs to get out all of those tears that are continually welling up. It has just been a hard week for all of the family. I feel like I am reliving my grandmas death again too. All of the memories are wonderful but just hard to think about right now.
So if you think about it... please pray for my family.
So if you think about it... please pray for my family.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
A New Leaf
What the heck does that really mean? When I think of a leaf turning over it reminds me of autumn when the leaves are falling and the trees are loosing all of there foliage and begin to look bare and cold. Or I could be more positive and say it reminds me of Autumn when the leaves are changing colors and it takes your breath away. So I guess what I am getting at is that your "new leaf" is whatever you make of it. I am going to think about this new leaf in my life being breathtaking and not focus on being stripped to the bone. But ya know... I might just need to be stripped to my core and focus on the most important thing... my Rock, my Redeemer, my Savior, my reason for livin, my foundation for life. That is a good place to be in all actuality.
My life as I know it has done a flip. Last night I finally did it... I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been tearing me apart for the last week and I took the weekend in Spokane to really seek God about what His heart for me is. I finally found the peace I have been seeking for so long. Peace that I am not supposed to marry Dan and peace that God has someone else for me and peace that God has other plans for me in my life right now. Wow! I feel better now!
At the same time... I have cried all weekend and now for the past couple days. Breaking the heart of someone you love is not something I ever wanted to do. As I held onto Daniel last night I cried and told him that I hope he will forgive me and that I never wanted to hurt him and that I don't want him to hate me. How do you go from planning your life with someone to being a friend to them? I still care about him and want God's best for him. One of the scariest things about breaking up with him was my fear that he would reject God and blame God for our breakup. I am praying that God will meet Daniel and teach him about his character and how much He loves each one of his children. God is so good and bigger than what I can even comprehend. I know He will meet Daniel. I just pray that Daniel will accept His open arms.
I told Daniel that I will be a friend and want to continue to pray for him. It is going to be a hard transition. Especially since our lives have been so focused on eachother.
I believe that God is going to do good things in both of our lives. I am excited to seek His will for my next step. The prospects are leading me closer to the call I feel on my life. I am applying for a YWAM school Intro to Primary Health Care. It is a three month school and three month outreach to a third world country working along side doctors. That is what I dream about!!! The other is going to college and becoming a nurse so I have more skills to be able to do medical missions. I know God will open the door to whatever His perfect will is.
(sigh) I am so glad to know that God cares about everything in my life. It sure does ease my soul and help me to feel like I am not alone or carrying a burden on my own. He is able... more than able... to accomplish what concerns me today(and tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year). He is so able and an awesome Father!
My life as I know it has done a flip. Last night I finally did it... I broke up with my boyfriend. It has been tearing me apart for the last week and I took the weekend in Spokane to really seek God about what His heart for me is. I finally found the peace I have been seeking for so long. Peace that I am not supposed to marry Dan and peace that God has someone else for me and peace that God has other plans for me in my life right now. Wow! I feel better now!
At the same time... I have cried all weekend and now for the past couple days. Breaking the heart of someone you love is not something I ever wanted to do. As I held onto Daniel last night I cried and told him that I hope he will forgive me and that I never wanted to hurt him and that I don't want him to hate me. How do you go from planning your life with someone to being a friend to them? I still care about him and want God's best for him. One of the scariest things about breaking up with him was my fear that he would reject God and blame God for our breakup. I am praying that God will meet Daniel and teach him about his character and how much He loves each one of his children. God is so good and bigger than what I can even comprehend. I know He will meet Daniel. I just pray that Daniel will accept His open arms.
I told Daniel that I will be a friend and want to continue to pray for him. It is going to be a hard transition. Especially since our lives have been so focused on eachother.
I believe that God is going to do good things in both of our lives. I am excited to seek His will for my next step. The prospects are leading me closer to the call I feel on my life. I am applying for a YWAM school Intro to Primary Health Care. It is a three month school and three month outreach to a third world country working along side doctors. That is what I dream about!!! The other is going to college and becoming a nurse so I have more skills to be able to do medical missions. I know God will open the door to whatever His perfect will is.
(sigh) I am so glad to know that God cares about everything in my life. It sure does ease my soul and help me to feel like I am not alone or carrying a burden on my own. He is able... more than able... to accomplish what concerns me today(and tomorrow, and next week, and next month, and next year). He is so able and an awesome Father!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
So
It has been an interesting year. I am so greatful that tax season is over. It has been quite taxing. Ha! That is funny and yet so seriously true at the same time. I don't think I truely ever had a high respect for the wives of accountants until now. They really have to put up with alot. I am only dating one. This season helped me to see how stressful that life is and I don't know if I am cut out for that life "for as long as we both shall live". Oi vey!
Sometimes I feel like it is ok to be selfish. Especially when it has to do with me emotional and physical well being. This season was absolutely draining on me and I know it wasn't just because of tax season. I had the stress of my job, worries about schooling, stress of finding a new place to live, stress of balancing my friends, stress of stress. Yeah... so you could say this season has been stressful. I just don't think I can do that for the rest of my life. I am trying to work out alot of things and praying that God will show me his will and open doors for me.
I am currently thinking I am going to quit my job and emediatly start a medical assistant program which is 6 to 8 weeks long. I have two options for housing at the moment. I can live with my best friend Sonja's brother (and his wife and kids) or I can live with my other best friend Rachael and her husband(also my friend) until they move at the end of July. Since I love to move so much I am hoping that I will move in with the Barrett family. They are soooo much fun!
So I am not thinking I am going to get married this summer and maybe not even ever to Daniel. I do love him so much. However, I don't know if he is going to be the best mate for me. It is hard to come to that realization but I am glad to even recognize what I need in a husband.
gotta go... more to come later
Sometimes I feel like it is ok to be selfish. Especially when it has to do with me emotional and physical well being. This season was absolutely draining on me and I know it wasn't just because of tax season. I had the stress of my job, worries about schooling, stress of finding a new place to live, stress of balancing my friends, stress of stress. Yeah... so you could say this season has been stressful. I just don't think I can do that for the rest of my life. I am trying to work out alot of things and praying that God will show me his will and open doors for me.
I am currently thinking I am going to quit my job and emediatly start a medical assistant program which is 6 to 8 weeks long. I have two options for housing at the moment. I can live with my best friend Sonja's brother (and his wife and kids) or I can live with my other best friend Rachael and her husband(also my friend) until they move at the end of July. Since I love to move so much I am hoping that I will move in with the Barrett family. They are soooo much fun!
So I am not thinking I am going to get married this summer and maybe not even ever to Daniel. I do love him so much. However, I don't know if he is going to be the best mate for me. It is hard to come to that realization but I am glad to even recognize what I need in a husband.
gotta go... more to come later
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Refueling
So this last weekend I went on a women's retreat and it was a blast. I laughed at silly girly things and got to see friends that I have been missing quality time with. I had the most hilarious time playing a game of teather ball and laughed so hard that we could hardly play the game. We were just a bit out of practice however I managed to whoop my dear friend. I won't mention her name but I will brag about my victory. Yes, I was able to whoop on the third graders back in my primary years when I was in first grade. So I guess you might say that my dear friend was at a disadvantage because she was not aware of my "mad teather ball skills". Its cool. (smile)
So as for the real meat of the weekend. The whole refueling thing was what God spoke to me alot about. Our speaker reminded us that even Jesus took time to refuel and rest and soak in extra time with God. Even when there were pressing issues and people wanting healing and needing to hear the messages He was going to speak... even then. Jesus was surely a good example and I need to remember that refueling and taking time is essential to my sanity and also something that my creator wants me to do. So this last weekend was a a time of being refueled, refreshed, and blessed by the fellowship and encouragement from my sisters in Christ. It was beautiful. Not that I don't have anything going on in my life... I still have many things that are in process. I just am trusting that God is going to open the right doors at the right time (HIS timing) and give me patience and understanding to know what His will is.
So now after that weekend even though I have a bunch of stuff going on it is not overwhelming me. I am surrendering all of my worries and my cares to my savior. He cares about all of the little things that are going on in our lives and wants to be our constant companion and friend. I am so thankful that He hasn't given up on me. I don't know how many times I have tried to take on the world and all of my troubles too. God is so good to remind me that I am not supposed to do it on my own and that He will actually carry me through. I am safe under the shadow of His protective wing. And so thankful for every moment that I am embraced by His presence and able to soak in the wisdom of His still small voice. That is something that I need to continue to remind myself. Take the time to soak in His presence and listen without interupting. Just listen. It will refresh and refuel my soul.
So as for the real meat of the weekend. The whole refueling thing was what God spoke to me alot about. Our speaker reminded us that even Jesus took time to refuel and rest and soak in extra time with God. Even when there were pressing issues and people wanting healing and needing to hear the messages He was going to speak... even then. Jesus was surely a good example and I need to remember that refueling and taking time is essential to my sanity and also something that my creator wants me to do. So this last weekend was a a time of being refueled, refreshed, and blessed by the fellowship and encouragement from my sisters in Christ. It was beautiful. Not that I don't have anything going on in my life... I still have many things that are in process. I just am trusting that God is going to open the right doors at the right time (HIS timing) and give me patience and understanding to know what His will is.
So now after that weekend even though I have a bunch of stuff going on it is not overwhelming me. I am surrendering all of my worries and my cares to my savior. He cares about all of the little things that are going on in our lives and wants to be our constant companion and friend. I am so thankful that He hasn't given up on me. I don't know how many times I have tried to take on the world and all of my troubles too. God is so good to remind me that I am not supposed to do it on my own and that He will actually carry me through. I am safe under the shadow of His protective wing. And so thankful for every moment that I am embraced by His presence and able to soak in the wisdom of His still small voice. That is something that I need to continue to remind myself. Take the time to soak in His presence and listen without interupting. Just listen. It will refresh and refuel my soul.
Monday, March 06, 2006
a good cry
Do you ever feel like just crying for a day? I do. I am exhausted with life right now and I think a good cry would make me feel better. My mom actually told me this weekend that she thinks I need to cry. I cried last week and little this weekend and then some more today. Can I just have a big deep cry and get it all over with. Doesn't it feel better once you cry?
My mom now lives in Spokane. I followed her as far to the freeway as I could and waved good bye as she left this side of the state and stared a new chapter in her life. And a new chapter in my life too. I cried with my brother when we talked about mom moving and we got mad at dad for being a jerk and abandoning the situation. He is really good at that... abandoning.
No use playing that record again... it is surely broken.
My job is what is really my current stress. It seems that my job is trying to out me. And not giving me severance. I am emotionally drained right now and some time soon get to have a conversation with someone that makes me cringe just hearing her name. I know she is going to try to stomp on me the moment I open my mouth but I just have to think about David and Galioth. Even though she is a small lady she thinks she is Galioth. Enough about her. God is able to do more than I can hope or imagine. I am praying for a miracle here and for courage beyond what I currently possess. I am tired. I can't wait for it all to be over.
God help me please. I need your strength and courage. Help me to see that you have a plan and that you are not one that abandons. You hold me under the shadow of your wing. Thank you God for the amazing diety that you are. So awesome and yet so personal.
My mom now lives in Spokane. I followed her as far to the freeway as I could and waved good bye as she left this side of the state and stared a new chapter in her life. And a new chapter in my life too. I cried with my brother when we talked about mom moving and we got mad at dad for being a jerk and abandoning the situation. He is really good at that... abandoning.
No use playing that record again... it is surely broken.
My job is what is really my current stress. It seems that my job is trying to out me. And not giving me severance. I am emotionally drained right now and some time soon get to have a conversation with someone that makes me cringe just hearing her name. I know she is going to try to stomp on me the moment I open my mouth but I just have to think about David and Galioth. Even though she is a small lady she thinks she is Galioth. Enough about her. God is able to do more than I can hope or imagine. I am praying for a miracle here and for courage beyond what I currently possess. I am tired. I can't wait for it all to be over.
God help me please. I need your strength and courage. Help me to see that you have a plan and that you are not one that abandons. You hold me under the shadow of your wing. Thank you God for the amazing diety that you are. So awesome and yet so personal.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I have issues
So these last two days have been what I would call an emotional roller coaster of sorts. So I talked to Dan on Tuesday night and told him all that God had put on my heart he is like so what do you think that means for us? And so we cried and prayed that God would confirm what he told me by telling Dan. So the next day would be Wednesday and all day long I felt like my heart was actually damaged in some way. I have never experienced heart ache like this before. I know I love Daniel but I didn't know that this would hurt as much as it has. So all day yesterday I was in and out of tears and not talking to anyone about it. At lunch time I called my mom and she surprised me by saying some of the same things that Dan had said the night before. She told me that she thinks I am afraid of stability, have a huge fear of marriage, struggle with being in control, and that she knows God put Dan in my life. She also told me what someone else told me today... who knows when I am actually going to be going to Africa again. God put it on my heart, yes. And if it is after our kids are out of the house Dan wants to go with me too. He doesn’t have "the call" but is willing to let God use his accounting skills wherever he can use them... even in Africa.
So I am fixing my eyes on the right now and going to continue to seek God's will for my life. I know that God did bring Daniel into my life and believe that God would communicate with Daniel too if our relationship is supposed to take a different direction. We prayed for the condo together and asked if it was God's will for us to be married that the condo offer would be accepted. I am realizing more and more about myself that I have issues. I am blessed to have Daniel in my life because even after all that I put him through he still loves me and wants to marry me. I love him too and don't want to spend my life without him. God has placed a call on my life and he has also placed Daniel in my life. I don't have to choose one or the other. I can have both! Daniel supports the call that God has given me and is willing to go to the ends of the earth with me. I am so thankful for Daniel and thankful that God blessed me with him.
Thank you for praying for me.
So I am fixing my eyes on the right now and going to continue to seek God's will for my life. I know that God did bring Daniel into my life and believe that God would communicate with Daniel too if our relationship is supposed to take a different direction. We prayed for the condo together and asked if it was God's will for us to be married that the condo offer would be accepted. I am realizing more and more about myself that I have issues. I am blessed to have Daniel in my life because even after all that I put him through he still loves me and wants to marry me. I love him too and don't want to spend my life without him. God has placed a call on my life and he has also placed Daniel in my life. I don't have to choose one or the other. I can have both! Daniel supports the call that God has given me and is willing to go to the ends of the earth with me. I am so thankful for Daniel and thankful that God blessed me with him.
Thank you for praying for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)